


Growing Wings.

by theweakestthing



Category: Misfits (TV 2009)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Don’t copy to another site, Drag Queen Nathan, Editor Simon, M/M, Nathan is his own warning, No Community Service
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-07-25 17:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20029564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweakestthing/pseuds/theweakestthing
Summary: Recently single, Simon is spending his twenty-third birthday alone.He decides to visit a gay bar for the first time, it's drag night and Simon's excited for the show, but he gets more than he bargains for.





	1. Chapter 1

Simon stood outside the bar, pale skin washed out by the neon lights, as he tried to work up the nerve to go inside.

It was his twenty third birthday.

Simon didn’t really have any friends. Sure he had a roommate, but Rudy wasn’t exactly the kind of person Simon could rely on to be there for him. Rudy wasn’t the kind of person that closed the door when he brought someone home, heck he never even closed the bathroom door. He definitely wasn’t the type of guy Simon wanted around in a moment this important to him.

That and he’d been recently dumped. He and Jessica had been together for a year, it was Simon’s first serious relationship and his longest, and he had taken her breaking things off and moving away pretty hard. Sulking in his bedroom on the weekends and throwing himself completely into his work on the weekdays. Rudy had been trying to get him to go out for weeks. Finally, on his birthday, he’d worked up the courage to do it alone. 

There was a slew of drag performers slated for that night, which Simon was quietly thankful for, no one would be looking at him and he would be able to see what a real drag show looked like. Watching shaky clips on instagram and youtube wasn’t exactly a quality experience.

Despite that, he was still dithering outside. Simon kind wished that he smoked, at least then he would have something to do while he had argued with himself. It wasn’t as though he was afraid to go into a gay bar for the first time. He’d come to terms with his sexuality years ago, the gay panic had been and gone, it had taken him a long time to figure out that he was bisexual but he was over that now. It had more to do with his lack of queer experiences and queer friends. Sure Rudy brought all sorts of people home, but as previously stated Rudy wasn’t the kind of person Simon wanted to accompany him on his first queer outing. His hands were shaking in the pockets of his trousers.

It was either this or go home and watch Battle Star Galactica for the billionth time alone in his room. Simon took a deep breath to steel himself and made his way inside.

Simon somewhat stood out from the crowd. He’d always been the kind to dress reserved, he had kind of based his style on Ian Curtis, but that style of dress was coming back in vogue so Simon wasn’t wildly out of place. Really it was nice to see such a diversity of styles and people. Growing up, even on the outskirts of London, Simon hadn’t really had the opportunity to mix with different kinds of people or people that were like him. Simon couldn’t help but smile to himself.

He took stock of the room as he made his way to the bar. There was a small stage adjacent from the bar, and it looked like someone had just finished their performance, what looked to be the host was climbing the stage with a microphone in hand. Simon tuned it out as he tried to focus on getting a drink. Bar tenders never seemed to see him, it probably had something to do with his general aura of awkward shyness.

For the first time in his entire adult life, Simon was served quickly, the bar tender even gave him a wink as they slid the plastic cup of cider to Simon. That was one plus for gay bars, Simon thought with his cheeks aflame.

“And now, for your viewing pleasure, she’s a dirty bitch and you love her for it: Cherri Cream Pie!” The host roared and hopped off the stage. Simon turned away from the bar and made his way into the crowd to watch the show.

Something between hip-hop and R&B started playing, it sounded vaguely familiar but Simon couldn’t recall the title or the artist. He didn’t get long to dwell on it before the aforementioned performer slunk onto the stage. 

She was a leather bunny rabbit, like an S&M version of a Playboy bunny. She was wearing one of those black lacy see-through robes, with the fluffy cuffs and ends. Underneath that she wore a PVC body suit and corset, black thigh high boots and elbow length gloves. The bunny part came from the mask she was wearing, it stopped before the end of her nose and just under her cheeks, rabbit ears pointing to the ceiling. Her wig was the dark orange of autumn leaves, it complimented the tan shade of her skin, and it sat delicately on her shoulders. She had legs for days, even without the heels she’d be maybe four inches or so taller than Simon.

The blue, pink and purple neon lights played upon her form, as though she were straight from a Nicholas Winding Refn movie, as she began to writhe on the stage. She mouthed along to the words and danced in sultry motions. People held out money for her to take, waving their hands and whooping to catch her attention.

She dropped to her knees and started to hump the floor, body rolling in fluid motions, Simon throat felt dry and he took a sip of his cider. Then she crawled toward the crowd and took notes from people’s hands with her mouth. Cherry red lips smeared across the plastic notes. Simon swallowed and swallowed again. She twirled as she got back onto her feet, making pornographic gestures with her hands. Simon was pretty sure that he had gone as red as her lipstick.

She stared straight at Simon then, or at least it seemed that way, as she mouthed the chorus.

_Break up with your girlfriend,_  
_ Yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm bored._  
_ You can hit it in the mornin’,_  
_ Yeah, yeah, like it's yours._

Her eyes had passed over him a few times before, but this time Simon could tell that she was looking directly at him, pinning him to the spot. Simon mechanically sipped at his cider as though his heart wasn’t pounding madly in his chest.

The song finished with her spread out on the floor, the pose was definitely a reference to porn or maybe Flash Dance or both. Simon would have clapped if he wasn’t holding a drink.

“Give it up for Cherri Cream Pie!” The host exclaimed, climbing onto the stage as ‘Cherri’ collected money off of the stage floor.

Just before she slipped back between the curtains, Cherri eyes searched the room and found Simon’s again, she winked at him and disappeared leaving Simon breathless. This was possibly the first time he’d been winked at twice in one night. He finished his drink in one gulp.

Simon stayed. He thought about leaving, but he’d only seen one performance and there were more to follow, it felt kind of rude to leave without seeing anyone else. No matter much he felt like his soul had been shot-gunned out of his body. He got through a couple more ciders watching the performers, but none of them caught his attention as much as Cherri had.

“So you stuck around eh?” A man with the familiar lilt of an Irish accent asked as he approached Simon. He was a few inches taller than Simon, maybe four.

It was the cheekbones that gave it away. He was Cherri Cream Pie. Simon swallowed hard as he got his thoughts in line, trying to think around the fact that someone like that was talking to him.

“Uh, yeah,” Simon said dumbly, he took a gulp of his drink just have something to do.

“So you got a name?” He asked, smiling cockily as he stared down at Simon.

“Simon,” he stated.

“Well Simon, I love the whole late eighties butch suicidal poet thing you’ve got going on here,” he said, gesturing to Simon with the flick of his hand. “Oh and I’m Nathan,” he added and sipped on the colourful cocktail in his hand.

“Thanks, I guess,” Simon said entirely lost for words.

“This is where you compliment me,” Nathan said after a beat. Simon figured that attention seeking behaviour came with the profession, drag queens basically lived off of attention.

“You look like you’re from The Kooks,” Simon said the first thing that came to mind, he wanted to kick himself the second it was out of his mouth.

“Are they even still around?” Nathan said, sneering as he looked off in thought.

“Yeah, I think so,” Simon shrugged.

“Hmm, that’s not really a compliment is it?” Nathan said after a moment of consideration.

“I don’t think it’s a bad look,” Simon said weakly, he’d never really known what was ‘in’ at the best of times and he hadn’t ever thought that The Kooks were cool per se, but he didn’t want to admit that he’d unintentionally offended Nathan.

“But you’re not saying it’s a good one either,” Nathan said, smirking as he caught Simon out, he seemed to really enjoy watching Simon squirm. “I’m thinking that I’ve got more of a younger Alex Turner looking going on,” he went on, pointing at himself and swishing his hips.

“Alex Turner doesn’t have curly hair,” Simon replied, frowning as he stared up at Nathan, maybe they had similar eyes or facial features but the hair was totally different.

“Is that it?” Nathan returned, frowning down at Simon.

“Your styles are very different,” Simon said because it was true. Alex Turner had a more vintage rockabilly style, and even when he was younger he was more of a Fred Perry kind of guy, Nathan’s style was more Blur if they were sticking to British indie bands.

“So, you wanna get wildly drunk with me and have an unforgettable night that you won’t be able to remember?” Nathan asked, sidestepping Simon’s statement entirely as he leaned into Simon’s personal space, swirling his drink around as he spoke.

“Uhm,” Simon struggled to swallow.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Nathan said and draped his arm over Simon’s shoulder. He tipped his head back and finished off his cocktail in one gulp. Nathan’s grip on Simon’s shoulder strengthened as he guided them toward the bar.

Nathan brought shots, which Simon wasn’t too keen on drinking, all without removing his arm from Simon’s shoulder. Simon felt like a fish out of water. The whole night had been one new experience after another: he’d never been to a gay bar, he’d never seen a drag queen in real life, he’d never seen a drag performance and he’d never had a guy buy him drinks, not in this context at least.

“Drink the shot slightly more cut Joy Division,” Nathan said, wriggling his eyebrows.

“Uhm, okay,” Simon murmured, subduing as smile as stared at the glass in his hand, he was still a little unsure as he stared at the shot glass.

One shot couldn’t be so bad, he figured. He picked up the shot and tipped his head back without asking what it was. It was definitely tequila. More drinks followed, none of them were shots thankfully, and Nathan’s mouth only got looser.

“So, it’s your first time at a gay bar isn’t it?” Nathan asked, smiling as he leaned heavily against Simon’s body. Nathan hadn’t stopped touching Simon.

Simon nodded. He was well aware how obvious it was that he had never been in place anything like this. Simon knew that he looked uncomfortable in the best of situations, so he had no idea what he looked like then and especially not at the moment that Nathan, as Cherri, came out onto the stage.

“You don’t have to look so worried, this isn’t a sex party. Sadly that stuff’s against the health code or something, the law’s always holding us back,” Nathan said, sneering as he took a large gulp of his drink.

“It is unsanitary,” Simon said and instantly regretted it, he didn’t know why he’d said it but he felt like he needed to say something.

“It’s not that unsanitary,” Nathan returned, “haven’t you ever done shots off of someone’s stomach?” He asked, gesturing to his body as he spoke, as though the two statements were in any way connected.

“I don’t like shots,” Simon replied.

“Well, I’ve always thought that vodka tastes better when you lick it off of someone’s body,” Nathan said with a wink, Simon did not agree but he wasn’t about to argue since he’d never eaten or drank anything off of someone’s body. “You can lick it off of mine if ya want,” he murmured, mouth moving against Simon’s ear as he leaned over the other.

Simon wondered how his heart hadn’t given up on him already. It was thrumming wildly in his chest, he felt like a live wire, and his skin felt electric. No one had ever been this forward with Simon. His and Jessica’s relationship had been slow and tentative, they were both intensely awkward people, he’d never experienced something like this.

“Don’t take me home until I’m drunk,” Nathan said, body half draped over Simon’s, “until I’m very drunk,” he breathed the words against Simon’s neck.

Simon shivered, unable to do much of anything as Nathan licked from his neck and up to his ear. Nathan clung to him, begging him for more alcohol. It was endearing in that way that annoyance can be for limited amounts of time and in small doses. Simon gave in. He had no defences against this kind of assault.

By the end of the night Nathan was a mess. He was falling all over the place, slurring his words and looking as though he might throw up at any given moment.

“Time to take me home lover boy,” Nathan said, weaving around as he spoke. He stumbled into Simon and thankfully Simon had the presence of mind and enough mental faculties left to catch Nathan.

Simon reeled back from Nathan’s breath. He held the other steady as he looked for the exit. Nathan moved his hand from Simon’s shoulder down to his wrist and dragged Simon through the building.

They moved through the guts of the club. Nathan lead him staggering through a dingy corridor and into a small room that Simon figured must have been a short distance behind the stage. It was the dressing room. The walls were lined with mirrors and full of bits and pieces, fabric, make-up, empty bottles of alcohol and what Simon vaguely recognised as a weed grinder. There were a few lockers against the wall at the far end of the room.

Nathan stumbled through the room, pulling Simon behind him.

“Help me get the woman out of the locker sweetheart,” Nathan said, still managing to be gruffly alluring as he swayed on his feet, patting himself down as he searched for his keys. Simon just stood by and watched him struggle. There wasn’t much helping Nathan anyway and he eventually got the ring of keys out of his jean pocket.

If Simon had more of his wits about him, he might have had the presence of mind to be momentarily alarmed by Nathan’s words, at that present moment he was still dizzy off of the sensation of Nathan still pressed against him.

Putting the key into the lock proved to be Nathan’s breaking point.

“Barry, help me,” Nathan whined, holding the key out for Simon, “put those taught muscles to a good use that isn’t masturbation,” he continued, head lulling against his shoulder as he stared down at Simon, smile turned wicked.

“My name’s not Barry, but sure,” Simon replied, ignoring the other thing that Nathan had said as he took the key from Nathan’s fingers.

“I know it’s not Barry, it’s a term of endearment, Simon isn’t endearing enough,” Nathan rambled, arms crossed over his chest as he leant back against another locker.

Simon didn’t know what to say to that, he thought that his name rather suited him. It took him seconds to open the locker. There was a duffle bag filled to the brim sat lengthways inside, Simon took the bag and shouldered it as he closed and locked the locker, Nathan was definitely not in any state to carry it alone.

He passed the keys back to Nathan and Nathan dropped them instantly. Simon watched as Nathan made a display of bending down, ass in the air pointing in Simon’s direction, to retrieve his keys. Nathan winked over his shoulder at Simon as he rose, unstable on his feet as he pushed his keys back into his pocket.

“Let’s hit the road sweet cheeks,” Nathan said, lightly smacking Simon’s cheek as he passed the other, making his way back toward the door.

They made their way outside through a back door. Nathan put his arm through the loop of Simon’s and guided them to the main road. The streets were slightly damp, as though it had rained hours ago, they splashed through shallow puddles as Nathan lead them through the streets.

“Where are we going?” Simon asked as he adjusted the strap of the duffle bag upon his shoulder.

“Back to mine lover,” Nathan replied, lips curved into a sultry smile paired with his hooded eyes as he looked down at Simon. He staggered and dutifully turned back to the road.

Simon was surprised that Nathan could navigate the streets so well when he was so hammered, but he figured that this wasn’t Nathan’s first time. It probably came with the career, a professional hazard. Nathan rambled on abstractly about nothing and everything as he stumblingly led Simon down avenues and alleys until they reached a house that had been converted into flats.

They took great care on the stairs, Simon let Nathan go first so as though he could stop the other from falling. Then finally they were outside what Simon hoped was Nathan’s flat. Nathan was able to open the door on his own this time, it took great effort and far more time than was necessary, but he did it.

Nathan corralled Simon into the flat, forcing him against a wall in the hall as he kicked the door closed. Hands against Simon’s check, holding him still, Nathan kissed him sloppily. Simon didn’t really know what to do so he just went with it. It wasn’t exactly a hard decision to make with Nathan’s tongue down his throat and hot breath against his lips. He’d never been kissed like this. Simon sunk wholeheartedly into it, slipping his fingers into Nathan’s hair, holding him close.

Then Nathan began to retch. He pushed Simon out of the way and practically sprinted down the hall, he disappeared into a room that Simon supposed was the bathroom.

Simon set the bag down on the floor by the entryway, where an array of ratty trainers were haphazardly crammed against the wall. He moved down the corridor and found Nathan kneeling over the toilet bowl. The unmistakable sound of vomit wetly hitting the toilet water echoed through the room, as did Nathan’s spluttering coughs against the porcelain of the blow. 

“You gonna hold my hair back?” Nathan asked, looking up at Simon as he turned away from the toilet and flushed. He still looked out of it.

“Do you want me to?” Simon asked, smiling as he watched Nathan wipe his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Don’t be acting all boyfriend,” Nathan said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “You should just go ‘cause if we do get it on I might triple myself,” he added as he leaned his elbow on the toilet seat.

“I don’t even know what that means,” Simon said, brows pinched as he stared down at Nathan.

“It’s when you vomit, cum and shit yourself at the same time,” Nathan explained, gesturing unnecessarily as he spoke.

“That’s disgusting,” Simon grimaced. “I didn’t really want to do that anyway,” he admitted. Simon hadn’t set out to hook up with someone that night and he definitely hadn’t walked home with Nathan because he thought that they were going to have sex, in all honesty he’d been worried about Nathan going home on his own and was already being dragged that way anyway. The kissing had been nice though.

“Are you fucking serious?” Nathan spat, brows curled comically at Simon. He coughed, turned back to the toilet and puked again.

“Yes,” Simon replied, hoping that Nathan would hear him over the stomach churning sound.

“You’re honestly baffling,” Nathan said after a while, coughing into the bowl. Slowly, he turned back toward Simon again.

“And you’re kind of a mess,” Simon said. Nathan was a total mess, there was definitely some vomit on his t-shirt, but Simon didn’t think it would have been nice to say that.

“So you’re going to look after me? Well that’s real sweet of ya, but I’m a big girl and I can look after myself,” Nathan sneered flippantly. His face set for a second and he turned back to the bowl.

“I’ll get you some water,” Simon said and left the room.

He followed the corridor down into an open room that was both a living room and a kitchen. It was small and a little claustrophobic, the kitchen amounted to nothing more than one long countertop against a wall, there was a sink and a stove top crammed in there.

It wasn’t hard for Simon to find a glass since there weren’t that many cupboards. He poured water into it from the faucet as he thought about what Nathan had said. Maybe he should leave, he didn’t know Nathan at all, and maybe he was giving too much without thinking of himself. It had been one of the reasons that Jessica had given when she’d broken up with him. Simon shrugged it off, he just wanted to make sure that Nathan got to bed instead of passing out around a toilet.

Simon shut off the water and took the full glass back to the bathroom and Nathan.

He found Nathan leant back against the wall, chest heaving slightly. Simon passed him the water and Nathan took it hungrily. He tipped his head back and drank half the glass in one go, he licked his lips as he set the glass down beside him.

“I bet you’re a real push over ain’t ya Barry?” Nathan asked as he stared up at Simon.

Simon still didn’t understand the whole ‘Barry’ thing, but he didn’t think that he’d get a straight answer from Nathan especially in his current state, so Simon ignored it.

“Sometimes I guess,” Simon said. Since the break-up he’d been trying to stand up for himself more, but Rudy was surprisingly easy to intimidate and there was really no one else in his life that he had to stand up to. His direct superiors at work were just as tired as he was and only wanted to get things done in a way that wouldn’t piss off their clients. They were on the same side. He didn’t really have the opportunity to practice standing up for himself, so maybe he wasn’t any good at it just yet.

“How can someone who looks like a handsome shark be so fucking soft?” Nathan asked, he looked a little pale and a thin sheen of sweat clung to skin. Simon really didn’t have anything to say to that, he couldn’t figure out whether it was a compliment or not. “Low self-esteem is dangerous around people like me,” Nathan continued, smirking up at Simon, clearly he’d caught his second wind, “I might take advantage of you yet.”

“I wouldn’t call it that,” Simon muttered.

“Just take me to bed,” Nathan said and finished off the glass of water.

Simon stood there for a moment, not doing anything. He was kind of worried that Nathan would vomit again. Once he’d seen Rudy drink some water, trying to sober himself up, and then he’d projectile vomited all over himself and the girl he was trying to take home.

“Stop standing there like a spaz and help me up,” Nathan barked, waving his hands in the air.

Simon sighed and helped Nathan up onto his feet. Nathan was not as sober as he appeared, he could talk the talk but his legs told a completely different story. Either that or he was still coming onto Simon.

“How drunk are you?” Simon asked quietly.

“I can still get it up if that’s what you’re asking,” Nathan smirked, the expression was lopsided.

Simon didn’t say anything and guided Nathan out into the hallway. Nathan’s lips were mouthing against his temple as he pulled Simon toward a door across the hall. The bedroom was small but it was filled to the brim with stuff, enough stuff to fill the rest of the flat.

Nathan captured Simon’s face in his hands as he stumbled backward toward the bed, kissing Simon haphazardly, missing his mouth half the time. They fell onto the bed, a tangled mess of limbs. Simon couldn’t catch his breath. His fingers slid again into Nathan’s hair, he didn’t mind the taste of Nathan’s mouth too much. It was still intoxicating.

“Alright, alright,” Nathan said, tearing his mouth away from Simon’s, “I’m sorry but my cock’s too drunk to clock in tonight. I could give ya a blowie though,” he continued, winking at Simon.

“I think I’m fine, thanks,” Simon said breathlessly.

“What a shit night eh?” Nathan said as he fumbled in his pockets. Eventually he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, he struggled to pull a cigarette from the pack and thankfully held the lighter out for Simon, he held the cigarette in his mouth and waited for Simon to light it. Simon fumbled for a moment, inexperienced with the object and smoking in general. Nathan watched as Simon slowly brought the flame to the cigarette held between his lips. He sucked in as the flame caught. Simon flicked off the lighter and slipped it back into Nathan’s pocket, he was still wearing his jacket.

“It’s my birthday,” Simon said as the room started to fill with smoke.

“Well happy birthday,” Nathan muttered, head lulling against the pillow, “god what a shite birthday you’ve had, you’re not even getting laid,” he added, whining as he pulled on the cigarette.

“It’s not the worst I’ve had,” Simon replied with a shrug. It was true, not that he was willing to go into detail.

“That’s fucking depressing,” Nathan said and took a drag on his cigarette, he blew the smoke away from Simon as he continued to watch the other. “How old are you?”

“Twenty three,” Simon stated.

“I’m twenty four,” Nathan returned as he flicked ash into a glass on the cluttered bedside table.

There was a long moment of silence then, Nathan’s gaze continued to linger on Simon and he didn’t know what to do about it. Simon did what he always did in these situations; he said whatever was on his mind.

“Ian Curtis was twenty three when he killed himself,” Simon said. It was something he’d been trying not to think about all day, but had been on his mind constantly.

“Are you going to kill yourself? Cause dressing like him is one thing, following him into the grave is another,” Nathan said with the cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. “I mean, I wanna be as adored as a cult leader, but you don’t see me living on a ranch and tattooing a swastika onto my forehead,” he went on, throwing his hands out before taking another drag off of his cigarette.

“I don’t want to be Ian Curtis,” Simon replied.

“No, of course you don’t want to be stinking famous and filthy rich, getting all kinds of pussy,” Nathan said flippantly, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not really interested in that,” Simon stated.

“You’re a really weird guy Barry,” Nathan muttered as he extinguished the cigarette, pressing it into the bottom of the whiskey glass. “I like it,” he murmured as he pulled Simon in by the front of his shirt, kissing Simon softly before collapsing against the other, closing his eyes and getting comfortable.

Simon waited until he knew that Nathan was asleep before he moved from under the other. He didn’t want to sleep with someone he barely knew like that, he didn’t want to start catching feelings that couldn’t be reciprocated. Despite how affectionate Nathan had been that night, it didn’t mean that he would be the same come morning and Simon was too fragile to deal with another rejection, no matter how slight.

He didn’t leave though. Simon was kind of worried about what might happen if Nathan got up in the middle of the night and stumbled into the toilet. Rudy had missed the toilet while pissing once, he’d slipped on his own urine and had smacked his head against the bowl, Simon took him to A&E and Rudy had to get stitches in his eye.

The bathroom light was still on. Simon retrieved the empty glass and switched the light out, he made his way into the living room and set the glass down on the kitchen counter. He went over to the sofa and sat down. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but it would do for one night. Simon pulled his shoes off and lied down. He drifted into a fairly dreamless sleep, the words to Disorder were on his mind.

_I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,_  
_ Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?_  
_ These sensations barely interest me for another day,_  
_ I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away._

_It's getting faster, moving faster now, it's getting out of hand,_  
_ On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, it's a no man's land,_  
_ Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now,_  
_ I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys might remember from Doll Parts that I said that Simon and Nathan were well represented in the music of The Smiths and Hole, but that was before I took my deep dive into Joy Division and watched Control. I feel like the writers of Misfits more than based Simon's style of clothes on Ian Curtis, from season one he's basically Ian Curtis so that's part of where the inspiration for this comes from (I still think that Hole represents Nathan pretty well). 
> 
> The song that Nathan performs to is Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored by Ariana Grande.  
The song at the end of the chapter is Disorder by Joy Division. 
> 
> Rudy's escapades were inspired by this one time when I was seventeen and completely drunk, this guy I liked got me a glass of water, I took one sip of it and puked all over the both of us. He still kissed me afterward though. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> My dad had a stroke while in the bathroom, he brained himself on the toilet and had to get stitches in his eye, it ain't pretty but totally sounds like something Rudy would do.


	2. Chapter 2

Simon awoke to the stark shining light of the early morning, still laid out against the couch. There was a crick in his neck and Simon groaned as he rubbed at the strained and aching muscles, rising into a sitting position, turning away from the window and the streaming light.

He looked around the room slowly as his head pounded slightly. The night before was at the front of his mind, he didn’t have to search through a fog for the memories, they were right there. He hadn’t drunk too much, he’d made sure of that as he watched Nathan drown himself. His hang over was definitely of the manageable variety.

All in all, his first time at a gay bar hadn’t been bad at all, it was definitely better than he’d dared to hope for. The drag performances had been eye opening and thrilling to say the least. And he didn’t feel at all like he didn’t belong there, which was something he’d been worried about. He hadn’t expected to leave with someone, he certainly hadn’t expected to be propositioned either, but it was kind of nice in a way. It proved that he wasn’t undesirable and that he could move on from Jessica. He smiled softly at the thought.

He rose from the couch and moved through the unfamiliar flat, noticing how different it looked in the day light. The rooms were fairly bare but disorganised. Simon figured that he should check in on Nathan before he left, it was the least he could do. He put his shoes on and made his way through the flat.

Nathan was exactly where Simon left him. He was sprawled across the bed, mostly clothed and on top of the covers. Simon smirked to himself as he heard the bubbling noise of snores. He looked okay so Simon figured that it was fine for him to leave, which he was thankful for because he was already beginning to feel awkward, standing in someone else’s flat while they were asleep.

Simon didn’t want to just leave without saying anything, but he didn’t want to leave a note with his number either. He was still smarting from his break up and wasn’t prepared make himself vulnerable, especially not with someone who seemed to do this sort of thing often, and doubly not with someone he barely knew even if he was feeling a little better about himself.

He left without leaving a note. It was easier sure, but Simon didn’t think that Nathan was the kind of person who would want anything more than a one night stand and Simon just wasn’t that person. Even if he wasn’t getting over a break up, Simon just wasn’t that guy. For a long time he had been certain that he would never have a one night stand.

The morning light was more pleasant on the eyes when Simon got outside. He stood underneath a tree that was warping the concrete its roots lied beneath and checked his phone to see exactly where he was before he got on his way.

* * *

Simon staggered into the kitchen, hoping that Rudy wouldn’t ask too many questions about where he’d been the night before. He didn’t want to lie to Rudy, but he might have to leave out a few things, just to save himself from embarrassment.

“You went to a gay bar,” Rudy accused, a look that was somewhere between gleeful and scandalised was drawn across his face.

“What?” Simon barked.

“Don’t lie to me mate, I know body glitter when I see it,” Rudy returned, pointing at Simon cheek.

Simon rubbed his fingers over the side of his face and brought them up to his eyes, they sparkled in the bleak light that came through their kitchen window. He groaned at the sight of it.

“So are you gay now?” Rudy asked.

“No,” Simon returned, frowning at Rudy.

“You’re on the bi train, oh get in,” Rudy said and wrapped his arm around Simon’s shoulders, pulling the other in enthusiastically. “Welcome to the club mate,” he roared lovingly.

“Thanks,” Simon said because he didn’t know what else to say and it was kind of nice to be accepted like that.

“You got laid on you first outing, man, that’s blood terrific,” Rudy said, smiling from ear to ear as he stepped away from Simon.

“Uh,” Simon didn’t know what he was supposed to say, he knew Rudy would want all the details because Rudy gave him all the details of every single sexual experience he had. Rudy was a sharer.

“Oh come on, don’t get all bashful on me now,” Rudy said, smacking Simon on the shoulder roughly.

“Nothing really happened,” Simon said with a shrug and started busying himself by making breakfast.

“Really?” Rudy exclaimed, going bug eyed as he stared at Simon.

“They got really drunk,” Simon said with emphasis as he pulled a bowl out of the cupboard. “I don’t think they would have been able to do anything anyway, so I walked them home because they said they’d just get someone else otherwise and I didn’t want them to be taken advantage of,” he went on, going through another cupboard as he pretended to decide which cereal he wanted, just so as though he wouldn’t have to look at Rudy.

“Always the knight in shining armour,” Rudy said, the filthy smile was evident in his voice.

“Not really,” Simon shrugged and finally pulled the box of Rice Crispies out of the cupboard, and began to pour some out into the bowl.

“So what, you went to his house and rubbed his back as he puked his guts out?” Rudy asked, looking completely disappointed.

“Yeah, kinda,” Simon muttered as he went to the fridge and pulled out the milk. 

“You need to be less of a push over Simon, you wasted your fricking birthday mate,” Rudy said, crossing his arms over his chest as he leant back against the wall.

“I don’t really think it was a waste,” Simon frowned as he poured milk into the bowl.

“Whatever, it’s your loss,” Rudy shrugged. “You know what you need? An instagram,” he added and kicked off the wall. He began to go through the motions of making toast.

“What, why?” Simon said as he turned toward Rudy, milk in hand, brows pinched as he stared at the other in confusion.

“Because no self respecting queer doesn’t have an instagram in this modern world,” Rudy said as he reached around Simon to garb the butter from the fridge, “and you’ll be able to follow loads of drag queens,” he added, smiling as he waved the butter around.

“I don’t know. What would I post?” Simon asked, trying to get out of the conversation while he put the milk away.

“You’ve got all that indie music you listen to, pictures of your vinyl collection, your guns,” Rudy reeled off.

“I don’t have any guns,” Simon grimaced, frowning at Rudy.

“Yes you do,” Rudy said and gripped Simon bicep, Simon swiftly smacked his hand away. “You could be a real dog magnet if you showed off your body,” he smirked and the toast popped behind him.

“Dog magnet?” Simon sneered, a look of total disgust crossed over his face as he watched Rudy butter his toast.

“Sausage magnet? I’m figuring you’re going off of pussy for a while,” Rudy said flippantly waving the knife around before he ditched it into the sink.

“I don’t know,” Simon replied because he really didn’t. He hadn’t thought about it much, but he was definitely interested in exploring a different side of his sexuality. Simon moved to the small breakfast table under the window, trying to distance himself from having to seriously consider something like that with Rudy, of all people.

“Either way, you should get an instagram,” Rudy said, chomping on a slice of toast. “I’ll show ya,” he added and sat at the table opposite Simon.

“I know what instagram is,” Simon stated, deadpan.

“Just look alright,” Rudy grumbled as he pulled out his phone, opened it and slid it across the table.

Simon wasn’t sure whether he wanted to know what kind of accounts Rudy followed, let alone see the kind of pictures that he posted. He just wanted to eat his breakfast. He knew that Rudy would be insistent though and figured that Rudy had already exposed him to so much that he should be prepared for whatever was in his feed. Simon gingerly picked up Rudy’s phone as he ate his cereal.

As he scrolled through Rudy’s feed, Simon found exactly what he’d expected. It was full of men and women in various states of undress and mostly in lingerie, probably amateur models or something of the sort, drag queens who were just as beautiful as the models, various celebrities that Simon vaguely remembered Rudy mentioning before and a few people that they knew from the office they both worked at.

“Don’t just scroll, look at what I post, that’s the real gold mine,” Rudy said, speaking around a bite of toast.

“Rudy, I don’t really want to get an instagram,” Simon said because he wanted to delay looking at whatever it was that Rudy posted. He knew that the app didn’t let you post nudes, but he also knew that Rudy was creative enough to get around it and somehow post something more gratuitous than a dick pic.

“It’s a great way to flirt with people, might boost your confidence mate,” Rudy returned.

Simon could use some of that. Although, having someone like Nathan, who could have easily pulled almost anyone in that bar, pick him out of a crowd was a great boost of self esteem in itself.

“Maybe,” Simon murmured as he set Rudy’s phone down.

“Chin up Simon, at least now you’ve got proof that other people want to fuck ya, that’s gotta count for something,” Rudy said, smiling that wide crooked thing that always appeared whenever he was being dirty.

Simon groaned despite having already thought the same thing.

* * *

The day was almost over and Simon really wanted to just get this cut done so that he could go home on time for once.

“Me and Curtis are having a Halloween party and you’re coming, I don’t care if Rudy has to drug you or kidnap you, you’re coming,” Nikki said, waving a folder around as she spoke. “It’s fancy dress.”

“I wouldn’t know what to come as,” Simon said. It was kind of a lie because he had maybe a billion ideas of what to dress up as, but they were all super nerdy and he didn’t want to come off as entirely uncool or pretentious.

“Have you seen the Romeo and Juliet movie with Leonardo DiCaprio?” Nikki asked, arms folded over her chest as she held the folder against her side.

“Yeah,” Simon drew out as he blinked at her.

“Why don’t do the blue floral print shirt and gray trousers thing, a gun strap could look go on you. And you need to show off that body, Rudy’s been telling me that you go to the gym all the time and how everyone needs to see what you look like under all this uptight shit,” Nikki said, poking him in the arm with the corner of her folder.

“He told you that I go to the gym?” Simon asked, brows pinched as he stared up at Nikki. Rudy wasn’t lying, but Simon chose a specifically early time to go to the gym just so that Rudy wouldn’t be too nosy about it, there was also the added bonus of there being less people at those times too.

“Yeah, why does it matter?” Nikki asked, moving to lean against Simon’s desk.

“It doesn’t, I just didn’t know that he talked about me,” Simon said, he didn’t exactly like being talked about.

“Everyone talks about everyone,” Nikki stated. “We work in an office, that’s just how it goes and Rudy’s one of the biggest gossips around,” she went on, making a face that was a surprisingly good mimic of Rudy’s as she gestured to the wider room.

“I know,” Simon muttered.

“Okay, well I think you’d look good in the Romeo get up and people will definitely know who you’re meant to be,” Nikki said, getting back to the point.

“I guess,” Simon shrugged, he wasn’t exactly the type to commit to a party, and he had made a name for himself as someone who always clicked maybe on facebook events. He also didn’t think that he would look good in something so colourful and he didn’t think that Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet was exactly in the centre of the cultural zeitgeist.

“Don’t worry about it too much Simon, but I will warn you, the other people I’ve invited are going to treat it like a fashion show because they’re all dramatic bitches like that,” Nikki said with a shrug and Simon suddenly felt the crippling pressure to look good around cool people, something he’d yet to achieve at any point in his life. “Oh my god calm down,” Nikki added at the sight of Simon’s stricken face, “you just have to look better than Rudy, which isn’t going to be hard so chill the fuck out and I need that edit by the end of the day,” she finished and stood from the desk.

“Um, okay yeah sure,” Simon murmured, he didn’t know how to say no. Nikki smiled softly at him and walked away.

Simon figured that it couldn’t be too bad, if she was inviting Rudy too then it kind of went without saying that Simon couldn’t possibly command enough attention to embarrass himself, Rudy would suck it all up. And maybe Nikki and her boyfriend’s friends would remember a movie from their childhood that referred to guns as swords. He didn’t know them and it was rude to assume. Even if no one did know, at least he and Nikki would.

It couldn’t be that bad.

* * *

Nikki had been right, Rudy’s costume was awful. He was wearing a Boy Scout outfit, it was his outfit from when he was in the scouts, he’d been bragging for hours about how he could still fit in it. It was kind of impressive, but Simon would never have said so. They’d gotten plenty of looks on their way over.

They stood in front of Curtis and Nikki’s apartment building. He and Rudy had gone halves on a crate of cider, which Rudy was cradling like a new born. Simon pressed the buzzer for their flat and waited for a moment before Curtis’ voice crackled through the speakers.

“Hello?”

“Alright Curtis mate, you gonna let us in?” Rudy said, almost yelling as he jostled the crate in his arms.

“Come on up, the door’s unlocked,” Curtis said. The door unlocked with a clack and the buzzer sounded loud enough to make Simon wince.

They took the stairs to the second floor. Simon could already hear the music before they entered the corridor, it thrummed out into the stairwell, and he wondered if any of their neighbours would complain.

They found Curtis leaning against the doorframe.

“Hey guys,” Curtis said as he nodded at them. He was wearing a white shirt, blue jeans and a black faux leather jacket with his hair painstakingly gelled into a sort of Elvis do. Simon quickly figured out that he was supposed to be one of the T Birds from Grease. “What the fuck is that?” Curtis sneered at Rudy.

“It’s my scout uniform,” Rudy replied with a wink and Curtis groaned.

“Just give me that and come inside,” Curtis said, holding his arms out for the crate. Rudy passed it to him and they stepped inside. 

The flat was mostly open plan, beside the bedroom and bathroom, the whole thing could fit Simon and Rudy’s flat inside it almost twice. Curtis moved ahead of them and went toward the corner where the kitchen was situated. Simon could feel Rudy searching the room for someone to hit on, he hoped that Rudy wouldn’t try to set him up with someone, the last time had been mortifying.

“Romeo,” a voice called out and Simon turned toward the sound, he already knew who it was but didn’t dare to believe it.

It was Nathan, Simon knew it from the accent and those distinctive cheekbones, but he was in full drag and Simon instantly felt as though a trick had been played on him. Nathan was dressed as Juliet. His costume was from the fancy dress scene, it consisted of a white baby doll dress, angel wings and a hazel brown wig.

The fairy lights backlit Nathan, the soft light shone through the strands of hair, the whole thing gave Nathan a sort of soft and fuzzy outline that made Simon weak at the knees.

“You know each other?” Rudy asked, he sounded entirely too delighted for Simon’s liking.

“Uh,” Simon said unable to think of anything to say.

“You left without saying anything you prick,” Nathan said pointedly, turning on Simon. “I’m the one that’s supposed to silently leave in the morning, leaving no trace behind, like a sexy ghost,” he went on, completely losing Simon in the process.

“Uh.”

“I think you’ve broken him mate,” Rudy said, smacking Simon on the shoulder.

Simon felt as though a sudden pressure was crippling him, threatening to snap his bones. His heart was hammering away in his chest and he struggled to hear anything over it. He could feel the sweat practically pouring out of his skin. He couldn’t think straight, not with the way his stomach was churning, Simon knew he was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

It slowly dawned on him that maybe, just maybe, Nikki had suggested that Simon dress as Romeo for a reason. He felt a little sick. Was it all a joke at Simon’s expense, he hadn’t thought that Nikki could be that cruel. Then a worse thought occurred to him.

“Earth to Barry,” Nathan said as he clicked his fingers in front of Simon’s face.

“That’s not his name,” Rudy sneered, still hovering close by.

“Uh hi Nathan,” Simon said. He often found himself saying things just because he knew that he had to say something, that it was expected of him, but he never knew exactly what to say.

“Hi,” Nathan replied, smiling widely, the pink pale lipstick he was wearing reminded Simon of cake frosting.

Suddenly it was hard to notice anyone else around them.

“What’s up with you just leaving without so much as a phone number, that was not a nice guy move and quite frankly my feelings are hurt,” Nathan whined as he stepped inside Simon’s personal space, sweet and alcoholic breath sweeping over Simon’s face. “Although, that kind of is an Ian Curtis move.”

Simon did not believe that Nathan’s feelings were hurt.

“I don’t know,” Simon murmured. He ducked his head away from Nathan, breaking eye contact with the other.

“You’re the same drunk as you are sober, eh?” Nathan said as he pulled a pack of cigarettes from the clutch hanging off of his shoulder. “That’s cute.”

“Nathan,” Curtis called sharply from across the room.

Simon flinched at the sound and Nathan did not. Nathan simply sighed and returned the pack to the clutch, rolling his eyes conspiratorially at Simon.

“You know, you really should have stayed, we could have had morning sex,” Nathan said and took a sip of something that looked exactly like Pepto-Bsimol but smelled nothing like it. “Morning sex is so different from night sex, I would have rocked your fucking sunrise,” he added.

“I’m sorry,” Simon muttered, unsure of himself. He desperately wanted the floor to open beneath him. If only he was more like Ian Curtis, he could have had a seizure to get out of the situation, not that he’d ever stoop so low to fake a fit. 

“I think you need some liquid courage darling, you’re starting to look like a pedophile at a first birthday party,” Nathan said, giving Simon a once over with his eyes as he his hand on Simon’s shoulder.

“That’s disgusting,” Simon sneered as Rudy laughed beside him.

“I’ll leave ya to it mate,” Rudy said. He lightly smacked Simon’s other shoulder as he passed them and went further into the room. Simon watched him slip into a group of people that Simon vaguely knew, he crept up behind Nikki and tried to scare her, but only ended up with an elbow in his stomach. She was dressed as one of the Pink Ladies from Grease.

“That your boyfriend?” Nathan asked.

“He’s my roommate,” Simon replied, brows pinched as he turned back Nathan.

“He’s wearing a Boy Scouts uniform,” Nathan stated. “Did he steal that from the body of a victim?” He asked. Simon ignored the insinuation that Rudy was either a child killer or a paedophile when he answered. That was two paedophile jokes in less than three minutes.

“It’s his,” Simon groaned.

“That’s kind of impressive in a disgusting way,” Nathan said, tilting his head as he stared over at Rudy. “You definitely need a drink,” he added. Nathan grabbed Simon’s wrist and dragged him over to the kitchen area.

Simon felt conflicted, he wanted to say hi to Nikki at least, but he was still struggling to get over the fact that Nathan was so interested in him. As they made their way around the kitchen island, Simon spied Nikki looking at him. She gave him a wicked smile and a thumbs up. Simon knew then that she’d set him up, he just didn’t know why.

Nathan let him go and started to mix some sort of drink. Simon turned away and pulled a cider out of the crate, he cracked the can open and took a sip as he looked around the room. He barely knew anyone there and those he did know were people from work that he hardly ever spoke to. Maybe he was lucky that Nathan was there. At least he didn’t have to make painful small talk with people he didn’t really know, although it was kind of strange to be seeing Nathan again after three weeks.

“Here, drink this,” Nathan said, holding out a drink for Simon.

“No,” Simon replied flatly. He’d been on the receiving end of a few of Rudy’s mixes and wasn’t about to chance it with someone he didn’t really know.

“Okay, more for me then,” Nathan said with a shrug and downed the entire drink in one go. Simon didn’t know whether to be worried about the cavalier attitude Nathan had about drinking or to be kind of turned on by the bobbing of Nathan’s Adam’s apple, he settled for somewhere in the middle.

“How do you know Nikki and Curtis?” Simon asked, the question had been burning at the back of his mind since the moment he’d seen Nathan, but there were so many other things going on that he couldn’t bring up until now.

“Curtis’ ex Alisha is going out with my best mate Kelly, they both work at the bar,” Nathan said, he sounded bored, as though he were reading a grocery list. “How do you know them?” He asked in return despite looking like he’d rather be talking about anything else.

“I work with Nikki, I’m an editor,” Simon stated. He could admit that this was kind of a dead end conversation.

“An editor?” Nathan asked, lips curled slyly as he smirked at Simon.

“Yeah,” Simon drew out. He got the feeling that Nathan was going to say something weird next. Maybe he’d been around Rudy so long that he’d gained a sixth sense for when someone was going to say something completely out of left field.

“You ever edit some home video?” Nathan asked.

“Are you talking about porn?” Simon said, brows pinched as he stared up at Nathan.

“Of course I’m talking about porn,” Nathan clarified.

“No, I haven’t done any of that. We just cut adverts,” Simon stated simply.

“Boring,” Nathan groaned as he turned to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of that pink stuff he’d been drinking earlier.

Simon rolled his eyes. He could see how someone would genuinely find his job boring, he spent his entire day sat in front of a computer trying to make sure everything didn’t de-sync when he put in a new effect or some text, but Nathan wasn’t saying that.

“I would have thought that you’d have dressed up as your hero, not the gayest Romeo in cinema,” Nathan said, changing the subject again as he poured out another glass of that pink stuff, Simon felt like he had an upset stomach just looking at it.

“No one would have known who I was,” Simon replied with a shrug and took another sip of his cider.

“I would have known,” Nathan returned, turning away from the counter as he slipped the bottle back into the fridge.

“I didn’t know that you were going to be here and I kind of dress like that all the time anyway,” Simon said, ducking his head and hiding behind his cider.

“How on earth did you decide to dress like this though?” Nathan asked, pointing at the shirt Simon was wearing.

“Someone suggested it,” Simon replied meekly, he looked over at Nikki again.

“Ah, Nikki’s a meddlesome fox,” Nathan said, pulling Simon’s attention back to him, “you know she got Alisha and Kelly together, she’s unstoppable,” he added.

“You think,” Simon trailed off, he couldn’t finish his thought. He had a hard enough time dealing with Rudy trying to set him up with every girl with a pulse, he didn’t want to deal with other people trying to set him up too.

“What? That she’s trying to match make, maybe, but I kind of think she hates me so the jury’s still out on that,” Nathan said, shrugging as he took a swig of his drink. “There are worse people to be set up with though,” he continued.

“I guess so,” Simon replied, noncommittal. He couldn’t help but wonder what gave Nikki the idea to set them up.

“She could be trying to get you and your scout’s uniform wearing roommate who is working his way through the room together instead,” Nathan said, he nodded in Rudy’s direction.

Rudy really was working the room, going through everyone, trying to find that one magical person that sat in the middle of a sad kind of venn-diagram of desperate, attractive and willing to sleep with someone as strange as Rudy. Simon figured that it wasn’t a terrible thing, at least he’d never been around for any bad experiences, and Rudy seemed happy enough about the whole thing so who was he to judge. Still, it wasn’t something that he found attractive.

“Yeah,” Simon said, he couldn’t suppress the snicker that punched its way out his throat at the thought of dating Rudy.

“And there’s definitely vibes between us, you can’t deny the vibes Barry,” Nathan said, drawing the attention back to him as he gestured between them.

“Why do you keep calling me Barry?” Simon asked, frowning at Nathan.

“Like I said, it’s more endearing and fitting than Simon,” Nathan said flippantly.

“I don’t get it,” Simon replied.

“You don’t have to,” Nathan said, “and you’re ignoring the vibes between us, can’t you feel them, feel the vibes in the air tonight,” he went on, getting closer to Simon as he spoke.

“Stop saying vibes,” Simon muttered.

“Not until you acknowledge them,” Nathan returned, poking Simon in the chest.

“Uh, yeah I guess,” Simon said, batting Nathan’s hand away.

Simon stared up at Nathan. He didn’t really understand what Nathan was getting at and honestly he didn’t really understand what he meant at all. Sure there was definitely something that drew him to Nathan, but he didn’t know if that went both ways, he had no idea what Nathan felt about him at all.

A small group of people moved in on the kitchen. Nathan seemed intent on devouring every millimetre of his attention, fingers gripped around his wrist again and Nathan was pulling him away to a quiet corner.

“Alright, I’ll admit that I was kind of a mess the night we met, but I saw you in the crowd looking like a muscular Bambi and I really just couldn’t help myself,” Nathan said, practically whining as he leant dramatically against the wall. “But we had a good time right?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Simon replied. He honestly did have a good time that night, it definitely went a lot better than he’d been expecting, which he realised wasn’t saying a lot.

“Ya know he’s not a girl right?” A girl asked, apparently appearing from nowhere. She was wearing a red cat suit and a blonde wig with pale blue eye makeup, Simon knew it was from a Brittney Spears video but he didn’t remember which one. Her presence pulled Simon out of the strange little bubble that Nathan had wrapped around them. He suddenly felt rude for not being more involved in the party.

“You transphobe,” Nathan gasped in what Simon hoped was mock horror.

“I know,” Simon said quickly, replying to her question. He was unsure whether this was some friendly jabbing or something a whole lot more serious, he couldn’t imagine Nikki or Curtis being friends with someone like that though.

“Good, cause this loser loves to embarrass sweet little gay boys, he thinks he’s fucking invincible,” she said, smacking gum as she spoke.

“He’s not that short, are you being shortist now Alisha, shame on you,” Nathan squealed as Alisha rolled her eyes.

“Love you too,” Alisha replied sarcastically, blowing Nathan a kiss as she turned away and took the hand of a girl who was wearing the school uniform and pink fluffy hair ties from the Baby One More Time Brittney Spears video, apparently they were fans or at least that was what Simon figured. If the hazel skinned girl was Alisha, then Simon supposed that the pale girl with severe eye makeup, and large breast that Simon tried not to stare at, was Kelly.

“So where was I?” Nathan said, slinking toward Simon with his shoulder still against the wall. “Oh right, our chemistry,” he continued, breathing in Simon’s personal space, sucking up all of Simon’s attention again. It was vampiric. Simon certainly felt a little dizzy from the way Nathan was staring at him.

Hungry Eyes started playing and Simon hid behind his cider, he took a large gulp from the can. The rest of the night became a blur from that point on.

_This is the car at the edge of the road,_  
_ There's nothing disturbed, all the windows are closed,_  
_ I guess you were right, when we talked in the heat,_  
_ There's no room for the weak, no room for the weak._  
  
_ Where will it end?_


	3. Chapter 3

Sunlight barely flittered through the thick curtains of the room. Simon woke up slowly, rubbing at his eyes as he yawned. The room wasn’t his but it was familiar. It was cluttered with drag and drug paraphernalia, Simon was pretty sure that it was the same glass with ash in the bottom on the bedside table as the one that there the last time he was here.

Simon was still wearing his clothes, which he was endlessly thankful for. He couldn’t quite remember the night before, especially how he’d ended up in Nathan’s flat again, the last thing he really remembered was Rudy saying that he should probably slow down. That definitely wasn’t a good indicator.

He struggled not to groan as he fumbled around for his phone. There were a few missed calls and messages from Rudy and some messages from Nikki, and it was about ten in the morning. Simon opened his phone and did his best to ignore the feeling of Nathan sleeping beside him.

Rudy’s messages were strange ramblings that amounted to asking where he was and was he okay, Nikki’s were more suggestive, saying that he could thank her later. Simon let himself groan that time. Nathan started to stir beside him and the pounding of his head was getting harder and harder to ignore. He replied to Rudy, saying that he was okay and he’d be home later, he didn’t say where he was though.

“At least you’re still here, even if we didn’t do anything,” Nathan said groggily as he turned toward Simon, make-up smeared and lipstick staining the pillowcase, his wig was nowhere to be seen and in its place were those soft brown curls.

“I don’t really remember much,” Simon muttered, he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.

“Well, don’t worry, you didn’t exactly embarrass yourself,” Nathan assured. “Even when you’re black out drunk you’re still uptight, do you ever let loose?” He went on, brows arched at Simon as he inched a little closer to him.

“I’m not uptight,” Simon returned lowly.

“Hmmm, that’s up for debate, but you are a bit more affectionate when you’re drunk,” Nathan said, his mouth curving into a sly smile as he stared at Simon. “It’s nice to know that you’re actually interested in me. The cold and mysterious thing is great for a while, but you gotta give a girl something eventually,” he continued, voice low and husky as sleep still clung to his throat. He was close enough to touch Simon, close enough to feel the heat coming off of him.

Nathan was only in his underwear, Simon could feel it as Nathan’s leg brushed against his hand. He tried not to think about it or acknowledge the touch.

“I’m not entirely sure what you want me to say,” Simon replied, looking directly at Nathan.

The previous night was coming back to Simon in bits and pieces. He knew that they’d left Nikki and Curtis’ flat together at some point, after many drink, Nathan had begged him to recite some Shakespeare but Simon didn’t really know any and definitely wasn’t in any state to even if he did. Thankfully he’d had the presence of mind to wait until they were outside to physically show Nathan some affection. Fingers entwined, bumping into each other as they walked through the streets, barely catching each other’s mouths as they sloppily kissed. He couldn’t grasp much of anything inside Nathan’s flat though, that was a blank space.

“I don’t want you to say anything, just kiss me,” Nathan murmured. He brought his hand to Simon’s cheek as he pressed his body against Simon’s.

Now Simon knew that Nathan’s underwear was lace. He closed his eyes and leant into Nathan, meeting him half way, the kiss was slow and lazy. It was the perfect thing for a Sunday morning. Simon sighed into Nathan’s mouth, sinking into the sensation. That was until Nathan’s erection brushed the back of Simon’s hand, which was trapped between them. He flinched back and was instantly disgusted by himself for it, but he’d never felt someone else’s cock before.

“Sorry,” Simon said sheepishly, biting his lip as stared back at Nathan, worrying about how the other was going to react.

“You’ve never really been with a guy have you?” Nathan asked leaning in again, body pressed flush against Simon’s, erection hard against Simon’s hip.

“No, I haven’t,” Simon stated, struggling to swallow.

“Well, I’m absolutely honoured to be the first,” Nathan said. He began to mouth against Simon’s neck, fingers dancing toward the front of Simon’s shirt. “I can’t believe you didn’t even undo the buttons, you should give this shirt a break, it’s clearly straining around you,” he went on as he deftly undid Simon’s shirt.

Simon wondered why he wasn’t panicking, why he wasn’t already up and out of the flat or at least making distance between them. He didn’t do things like this. The way he usually got with anyone was awkward and slow, a tentative act of getting to know someone before letting them break his heart. He’d never done anything this casual before.

He’d never met anyone who commanded his attention quite like Nathan did.

It was intoxicating. Simon felt like he was being pulled underwater with every touch and every kiss, water was filling his lungs and in a way he was drowning, suffocating under Nathan’s ministrations.

His stomach lurched and Simon pushed Nathan off of him and sprinted toward the bathroom. He collapsed to his knees in front of the toilet, retching until his throat was raw and the room was filled with the scent of vomit. It only made his stomach churn more. He leaned away from the toilet, wiping his mouth, and flushed the waste away.

Slowly, Simon got onto his feet. He washed his hands and swished his mouth with water, he wished Nathan had mouth wash but wasn’t surprised to find that he didn’t. Then he left the room.

Simon heard the sound of movement further down the hall, in the kitchen and living room area. He entered the room and found Nathan’s lanky body bent over the cramped table as he crunched on some toast spread with jam. He was still wearing nothing but his underwear. Simon pulled out his phone and snapped a photo of the other. He didn’t know what it was that had made him do it, maybe it was the way Nathan was sitting or the way the light from the window across the room was hitting him, whatever it was he was simply glad that Nathan hadn’t noticed him doing it. Simon slipped his phone back into his pocket and sat opposite Nathan.

“I didn’t know whether you like jam or not,” Nathan muttered, mouth full, as he nodded at the buttered toast, knife and jam in front of Simon.

“Thanks,” Simon murmured. He spread the jam and tried not to think about how domestic the whole situation was, but it did feel like they were a couple instead of two people who barely knew each other that had made out once or twice.

“We didn’t do anything besides kissing, if that’s what you’re wondering,” Nathan said and took a large gulp of water.

“Okay,” Simon said, swallowing. That wasn’t anything close to what he was thinking, but it was nice to know because he didn’t think he’d be able to handle knowing that he had done something with Nathan and couldn’t remember it. The thought alone made him feel icky.

“Hey, isn’t it funny that our friends conspired to get us together,” Nathan said with a smirk, brushing Simon’s ankle with his foot. “That’s some real romcom shit, I’m Bridget Jones and you’re Colin Firth.”

Simon didn’t entirely get the reference, but he knew what Nathan meant. 

“Do you think Nikki knew that we’d met?” Simon asked because it had been playing on his mind ever since he’d seen Nathan at the party the night before.

“Of course she knew, I am an infamous gossip and so are all my friends, you’re the outlier here,” Nathan returned.

Nathan was right. Simon wasn’t at all the kind to speak about others behind their backs or to talk about the goings on between other people. He was shy and reserved and everyone he knew was anything but. Rudy had basically no filter and was incapable of keeping a secret, even his own. Nikki liked to talk about whatever was going on but Simon wouldn’t exactly have called her a gossip. Of all the people he knew, Curtis was the biggest gossip he’d ever met, going somewhat against the clichés.

“I guess so,” Simon murmured.

“You’re obviously very uncomfortable with people meddling in your life,” Nathan said, smiling around another bite of toast.

“And you’re not?”Simon returned, brows furrowed as he stared back at Nathan.

“It’s probably the only reason I haven’t been stabbed yet, honestly,” Nathan said, waving around the toast as he spoke, “you’ve heard me speak.”

“It is kind of irritating, but I don’t want to stab you,” Simon admitted, chewing on his toast.

“That’s because I’m trying to get into your pants, if I was just trying to wind you up you’d definitely want to stab me,” Nathan assured. “Is it working?”

“Is what working?” Simon asked confused.

“Am I getting into your pants?”

Simon didn’t think that he’d ever get used to this. Jessica hadn’t exactly been forward, the most she’d down was say that she liked him and called him good looking, but it was the most forward anyone had been with him. He was painfully aware of just how out of his depth he was. Nathan kept bringing it up when Simon least expected it, not that he ever actually expected it. He realised that Nathan was waiting for him to say something.

“Not right now,” Simon finally replied.

“Yeah, morning fucks with a hangover aren’t typically ideal,” Nathan said, brushing it off easily, but Simon suspected that Nathan wanted something a little more. “I don’t want you puking down my back during or something,” he added flippantly.

“That’s gross,” Simon said dropping his toast to the plate.

“Exactly,” Nathan returned. “So let’s make a rain check then, give me your number,” he added, making grabby hands in the air between them.

“I’m not handing my phone over,” Simon said, even though he was pulling it out of his pocket, “let’s just exchange numbers,” he said as he unlocked his phone and waited for Nathan.

“You’re so stiff,” Nathan said.

Simon had heard something like that for most of his life, people had called uptight and too serious, but there was something about the way Nathan said it that made it suggestive. It was like Simon’s unwillingness to bend to his will turned him on. Simon tried not the think about it as Nathan stood and left the room, he tried not to watch him go but that proved too hard on top of everything else he was trying not to do.

Nathan was model thin, bones pressing out against his sparingly tattooed skin. The lightly tan planes of body were so inviting that it made Simon think about Nathan’s proposition for a second. Simon busied himself with finishing his toast, he checked his phone and waited for Nathan to return.

“Right, I’m gonna start saying numbers so you better be listening,” Nathan said as he re-entered the room, phone in hand.

They exchanged numbers and Nathan sent him a slew of eggplant emojis, Simon couldn’t help but laugh, which only spurred Nathan on and suddenly Simon’s phone was full of eggplants, tongues, water splashes and peaches.

“How’s your stomach?” Nathan asked, leaned toward Simon with his elbows on the table.

“Fine,” Simon returned.

“Good because I’m gonna climb into your lap and crawl down your throat,” Nathan said. He didn’t say it suggestively, there were no sultry tones or hooded eyelids, it was just simply said and that alone set Simon’s blood aflame. 

Simon’s heart jumped into his throat, he couldn’t swallow around it, and the thrumming of his pulse was almost distracting. He couldn’t say a thing as Nathan rose from the table. Simon had to crane his head back to meet Nathan’s eyes as he loomed over him, Nathan was still in his mostly naked glory, Simon didn’t know where to look. Nathan moved slowly. He bent over Simon, captured his lips and straddled his body.

Fingers against the jut of his jaw, Simon groaned as Nathan pulled at him. He didn’t know where to put his hands. Simon wasn’t inexperienced, but this was as fast as he’d ever gone, he didn’t know how to keep up.

“Just fucking touch me,” Nathan growled as he rocked his hips against Simon.

Simon pressed his hands against Nathan’s back. Shivering as Nathan slipped his tongue into Simon’s mouth, he could taste the jam and toast, and Simon couldn’t help but flex his hands around Nathan’s sides. Nathan’s fingers tipped his chin back. He could feel the other’s erection pressed against his stomach, it didn’t freak him out this time instead it turned him on.

Then Nathan’s hand was sliding down the front of his body, stopping at his flies.

“Stop,” Simon said. His hands curled around Nathan’s as he leaned back.

“What now?” Nathan whined. “You know gay panic isn’t really sexy at all.”

“It’s not that,” Simon said. “I’m just not ready for that sort of thing,” he went on, trying to work up to saying something that he was still sore about, “I only just came out of a serious relationship,” he finished finally.

“From what I’ve heard it wasn’t all that recent,” Nathan murmured, bending over Simon to press the words against the side of his face. Simon groaned. “You need to remember that you’re surrounded by gossips and extroverts, poor little shy boy,” Nathan continued, still mouthing at Simon.

Simon pushed Nathan off of his lap. He didn’t like people talking about him at all, let alone judging him for not already moving on, treating him like a child. Nathan clattered to the floor with an oof. Simon was a little mortified at himself, he didn’t mean to be so forceful.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-I should probably leave,” Simon said, rising from the chair, making it scrape across the floor.

“Hey, Barry, wait,” Nathan jumped from the floor and grabbed Simon’s elbow, “just wait a fucking second,” he added as he turned Simon back to him.

“What?” Simon muttered. He stared up at Nathan and watched the other stare back at him.

“We don’t have to do anything other than make out or dry hump if that’s all you want to do,” Nathan rambled, fingers still curled around Simon’s arm, staring desperately into Simon’s eyes.

“Why are you even interested in me?” Simon asked, he genuinely wanted to know, it had been baffling him since the first time he’d met Nathan. He wasn’t easy and he wasn’t the best looking guy. Simon was pretty sure that Nathan could have picked someone else, someone better.

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that,” Nathan replied, aghast, “how low is your self esteem?”

“You’re dodging the question,” Simon stated, frowning at Nathan.

“Yeah, because I’m affronted on your behalf and it’s a stupid fucking question,” Nathan said, wildly gesturing with one hand while the other was still on Simon’s arm.

“If it’s a stupid question then it shouldn’t be hard to answer,” Simon returned.

“Because I think your hot and I want to kiss you, I’ve found it pretty enjoyable so far, which should be obvious because I keep trying to do it,” Nathan said exasperated.

Simon swallowed, that was about as direct as anyone had ever been with him. It shouldn’t have surprised him at all, a few minutes ago Nathan was in his lap and trying to get into his pants, before that he’d been asking when they were going to sex, he’d been trying to keep Simon’s attention ever since they’d met. Still, Simon always found it hard to believe that anyone would be interested in him. It was just another echo from his teenage years of near constant bullying.

“Is that enough for ya?” Nathan asked. He’d stepped into Simon’s personal space, when the other had been far away thinking, barely an inch apart.

“Yeah,” Simon struggled out.

“Okay, can we get back to sucking face because I was really getting into my groove,” Nathan said as he started to move backward and further into the room, pulling Simon with him. “You’re like a bag of smooth rocks and I just wanna rub myself all over you,” he added, smirking as he pressed a chaste kiss upon Simon’s lips.

Simon followed Nathan’s lead as they made their way to the sofa. Nathan pulled Simon down with him, drawing Simon into his lap and they continued where they’d left off, without Nathan’s hands on his crotch. Mouths latched onto each other like desperate teenagers, clamouring at each other until the mid afternoon.

“Alright,” Nathan murmured, pulling away from Simon with much effort, “I’d love to spend all day making out with your Michelangelo sculpted face, but I’ve gotta make money honey, this ass doesn’t pay for itself,” he added with a wink.

“Um, okay,” Simon said as he slowly untangled himself from Nathan with as much effort as the other, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“You could come along,” Nathan said, not looking at Simon as he got up from the sofa, “if you want,” he added.

“I can’t, I’ve got work tomorrow,” Simon replied, hoping that Nathan would realise how sincere he was, he knew that something like that could sound like an easy lie but he really did want to stay. He was maybe a little too eager to see Nathan perform again.

“Another rain check then,” Nathan replied and turned away.

“Yeah,” Simon said, standing awkwardly from the sofa.

Simon made sure that he had everything and followed Nathan into the hall. He approached the door and pulled on his shoes as Nathan watched him, it was strange and definitely awkward. If he’d ever had a one night stand, Simon was pretty sure that this would be almost exactly the same, besides whatever way meaningless casual sex would make him feel.

“Don’t you dare leave me read because I know people who know where you live and I will show up to your flat and your flatmate will let me in,” Nathan said, waving his finger in front of Simon’s face as the other stood up straight again.

“He probably would,” Simon agreed.

“Yeah, of course he would, so don’t be a stranger,” Nathan said in an odd Somerset accent and pulled Simon into a harsh kiss by the front of his shirt. Simon had to scramble to keep up, but it didn’t take long for him to follow Nathan’s lead, fingers on Nathan’s body pulling him closer too. This ongoing intense attention that Nathan was lavishing upon him made Simon feel dizzy. It was heady and Simon didn’t know if he could have ignored Nathan even if he wanted to.

It was a while before he was able to leave.

* * *

“Tell me that you at least got laid this time,” Rudy said, practically jumping Simon the instant he entered the flat, pinning him against the door.

“We didn’t sleep together,” Simon replied flatly, kicking off his shoes.

“Come on man, you’re letting me down,” Rudy whined, brows curled as he wrung his hands between them. Simon pushed past him and moved further into the flat.

“If I told you to stop talking about me behind my back, you’d just keep doing it anyway wouldn’t you?” Simon said, halting in front of his bedroom door, looking back at Rudy.

“Yeah, I mean I get where you’re coming from mate, but we’re just trying to help ya,” Rudy said, he had the decency to at least look bashful as he rubbed the back of his head. “You need to be a bit more confident and talk to people, open up more,” he went on, moving closer to Simon, “that Nathan guy clearly likes you so you can’t be as bad as you think you are,” he said earnest eyes staring straight at Simon.

“So this is just to help my self esteem?” Simon asked because he didn’t want to admit that he still wasn’t sure that Nathan liked him for any reason other than the fact that he showed the other attention. Nathan seemed to be addicted to attention, it wasn’t just Simon’s. Despite how nice that morning had been the thoughts had crept in, like they always did.

“Not all of it, but yeah some of it, I like to see my mates happy,” Rudy said as though it should be obvious and Simon felt a little bad for not thinking of that.

“I don’t know how people orchestrating things behind my back is supposed to make me more confident,” Simon said, he couldn’t just let it go despite knowing that neither of them would change their positions, even if they saw each other’s point of view. “It makes me feel like it’s all fake, like you guys just chose the person that was most likely to be interested in me no matter why that might be,” he continued, digging into his own insecurities, which he hardly ever showed.

“Si, he clearly likes you,” Rudy said, obviously confused as he stared at Simon with pinched brows. “He went on and on at his mates about this great guy he’d met and Nikki realised it was you he was talking about, he’s a friend of friends so he can’t be that much of a prick,” he explained, sweeping away Simon’s anxiety’s. “Anyway, didn’t you just spend most of the day with him?”

“Yeah,” Simon replied, now it was his turn to be bashful, “but it’s not really anything okay?” he scrambled to clarify. Sure he and Nathan had exchanged numbers, but they weren’t a couple and Simon wasn’t ready for that anyway. He wasn’t ready for anything more than having a friend that he occasionally made out with.

“Come on, it is something mate,” Rudy sighed, crossing his arms over his chest, “it’s just new and you’re figuring it out, I get it,” he added, patting Simon on the shoulder before he disappeared off into his own room.

Simon slipped into his bedroom and quickly changed out of the costume. In the space and time between him and Nathan, Simon’s mind had started to freefall into the usual insecurity and anxiety. It was easy to say that these things were irrational and that Rudy was right, despite how weird that actually sounded, but he figured sometimes you found wisdom in the strangest places and Rudy wasn’t all that bad. Still Simon wasn’t sure that Nathan was really interested in him.

After years of bullying and social anxiety, Simon had a hard time believing that anyone liked him. When it was someone like Nathan, then Simon found it almost impossible to believe that they were even slightly interested in him, he could only think that Nathan might find it fun to play with someone who’d never been with a man before. With a thought like that it was easy to ignore the compliments and attention that Nathan had given him.

Simon’s phone vibrated, lighting up inside his trousers that were currently on the floor. Simon realised he had been standing in nothing but his underwear for a while now. He bent down, fumbling as he pulled his phone out from the pocket; Nathan had sent him a picture. 

It was a photo of Nathan in the shower, fully naked, with the caption ‘wish you were here x’.

Simon felt kind of stupid for what he’d been thinking just moments before. Even if Nathan just wanted to get into his pants and was simply playing the long game, this was proof that Nathan at least found him interesting enough to want to do those things with.

He couldn’t tear his eyes from the screen. His phone vibrated in his hand and it fell from his grasp, thankfully it landed on the bed. Simon snatched it from the sheets. Nathan had sent him another message, it read ‘pic 4 pic’ with a winky face. Simon flushed at the thought of it, he didn’t usually take his phone into the bathroom, he’d taken a grand total of three selfies and no nudes whatsoever in his entire lifespan. It was almost comical that minutes ago he’d been worried that Nathan wasn’t really interested in him and now he was receiving nudes and a request for some in return. Simon’s head was spinning.

Simon replied honestly, typing out ‘I’m not comfortable with doing that, but I appreciate the photo.’ He wanted to take it back the instant he sent it. It was out there now though and he’d have to wait for Nathan’s reply, no matter how painful that was.

Thankfully Nathan’s reply was swift, ‘alright Mr. Robot, no need to have a meltdown, I’ll just use my own imagination.’ Simon was sure that Nathan had the imagination to come up with something far filthier than any picture that Simon could send him. Drag was an inherently creative career or hobby and Nathan had shown himself to be wildly creative with his words, so it wasn’t hard to imagine that his fantasies were more vivid and colourful than most people’s.

He didn’t know how to reply and he was already half naked. Simon hesitated for a moment before he opened the camera app and turned it on himself, he put his body in the frame and cut off his head, he wouldn’t know what expression to make anyway. From the head down was all that Simon really liked about his body. Maybe not his feet, but Rudy had told him that foot people were the real perverts and Simon took him as an expert on the subject. He hesitated again before he sent the photo, still anxiously stood barely dressed in his bedroom.

Simon didn’t know what to do with himself, he certainly didn’t want to wait around for Nathan’s reply. He went and had a shower leaving his phone on the bed.

His veins buzzed with a strange excitement. It was something he’d never done before, he and Jessica had never shared nudes, they’d just taken couple pictures that she posted on her instagram, which Simon didn’t follow because he didn’t have one. Maybe things like that had contributed to their break-up. It had been the death of a thousand tiny cuts, cuts that Simon hadn’t noticed until it was too late. Before it had seemed like the right thing to do to protect himself. Bullying left its scars and Simon had been carrying them for so long, they’d done nothing but ruin any relationship he managed to build. A constant cycle of self-sabotage.

He shut off the water, dried himself, got dressed and went back into his room. Simon purposefully avoided looking at his phone. Instead he busied himself with cleaning up, but that only took ten minutes and that was him stretching it out. He didn’t know what he was worried about exactly. Nathan had asked for a picture and Simon had sent it, sure he wasn’t naked, but he was pretty sure that Nathan wouldn’t mind. He didn’t seem all that picky about things at least to Simon.

Finally, Simon picked his phone up off of the bed and opened it. Nathan’s reply was filled with eye, tongue and sweat emojis. The words that followed were simply more of the same, ‘wow Barry, that’s too good for the wank bank. You could grate a child’s face off with those abs,’ he wasn’t sure about the last part but the rest was nice to see. He didn’t think that he would be so affected by simple compliments to his body, but he figured that no one was immune to that. It was especially nice when it was coming from someone as good looking as Nathan.

‘Thanks…’ Simon wrote in reply. He was wary of seeming too eager, still slightly worried about the real possibility that Nathan only wanted to sleep with him and he was obviously still too fragile to make any real commitment or handle any real rejection. They were stood in the Goldilocks zone of casual relationships. Simon knew that they usually didn’t last, but he didn’t have any long term plans either.

Knocking on his door startled Simon from another anxious spiral.

“What?” Simon called turning toward the door, he already knew who it was. Rudy came through the door, wooden spoon in hand, ignoring all attempts at privacy. Simon was surprised that he’d knocked at all. 

“I’m making stir fry, ya want some?” Rudy asked, leaning against the doorframe, it seemed a little like an apology.

“Okay,” Simon replied and closed his phone, slipping it into his pocket. “Thanks,” he smiled softly at Rudy.

“That’s alright mate,” Rudy said, he spun on his heels and trotted into the kitchen.

Simon was still conflicted, still a little wounded that his friends had conspired behind his back, still quite unsure about whatever it was that was going on between him and Nathan, but he was moving forward and that counted for something.

_It's just second nature,_  
_It's what we've been shown,_  
_ We're living by your rules,_  
_ That's all that we know._


	4. Chapter 4

“You’re coming out tonight,” Nikki said, startling Simon from his work. He’d been so focused for so long that he’d hit the zone, he was honestly a little annoyed that she’d come to distract him.

“Why?” Simon asked, pushing his headphones off of his head to rest around his neck as he saved his work.

“Because it’s the night where everyone’s schedules have magically aligned and everyone I like the most is free and I ain’t letting you waste it sitting at home,” Nikki replied, explaining as much with her words as with her sharp stony expression.

“Okay,” Simon drew out.

“Nathan’s going to be there,” she added, smiling knowingly down at Simon.

“I already said I’d go,” Simon said, bristling.

“I know, but I wanted to make you enthusiastic,” Nikki said, throwing him a wink as she turned on her heels, spinning like a dancer and left to go back to her own desk.

Simon stared blankly at his screen. He’d been messaging Nathan back and forth since the Halloween party, or more accurately the day after, basically nonstop. His phone lit up at all times of the day. Mostly it seemed as though Nathan was sending him a fractured stream of conscience. All Simon could do was react to it, he hardly ever started any of the conversations between them.

They hadn’t seen each other since that Sunday, which was now two weeks behind them. They’d both been busy. That wasn’t all of it though, Simon was a little wary of whatever was going on between them. His phone was flooded with pictures and messages begging for his attention in varying and strange ways. Pictures of random posters and stickers plastered to all kinds of surfaces with witty and jarring captions. So many selfies of Nathan in varying states of undress and drag that Simon had to dedicate a folder on his laptop to them, he kept copies of his favourites on his phone. Strange statements and questions that bordered dangerously close to or were just completely offensive. Simon was always left struggling to catch up.

He didn’t know how they’d act around each other with so many people around them. At the party it almost felt as though they were the only people there, he’d barely noticed anyone around them and he still felt guilty about it, but he’d been too embarrassed to actually apologise to Nikki. Not that he thought that it was a good idea anyway. They hadn’t spent much time in the presence of others and Simon had the feeling that Nathan might be the kind of person that couldn’t help but perform when there was an audience. He was more than a little worried how their dynamic would change in front of others.

Rudy drove them home, fingers drumming against the steering wheel as Don’t Look Back in Anger by Oasis played on the radio, Simon couldn’t remember the last time he’d listened to the radio when he wasn’t in a car.

“You seem excited,” Simon said.

“We’re going to a fucking rainbow bar on a Friday night, it’s going to be full of tired boys and girls worn out from a long week of thankless work just waiting for someone to come and fuck their cares away,” Rudy explained, he took his hands off the wheel to make crude gestures.

Simon didn’t say anything, he just stared at Rudy with a look of disgust plastered to his face, nose scrunched up.

He slipped back into thoughts about how the night might unfold. Simon couldn’t shake the feeling that Nathan may try to show him up, not in the way Rudy did it without entirely realising, but on purpose to get a reaction. Nathan was constantly sending him things just to get a reaction. Constantly vying for his attention.

Rudy pulled into their parking space behind their flat, pulling Simon from his thoughts. They climbed out of the car and made their way into the apartment building.

“Don’t take too long getting changed,” Rudy said firmly as they climbed the stairs.

“I-okay,” Simon said, frowning to himself as they made their way into their flat. He’d never taken a particularly long time getting ready for anything, but he knew it wasn’t worth trying to correct Rudy.

Sure he was an inherently anxious person, especially socially, but Simon had a few go to outfits set up in his head for exactly these sorts of situations. He was prepared for all sorts of situations, scripts and outfits orderly set up in his mind, although he rarely had to use them.

He dressed in his usual slightly lighter than navy blue button up shirt, grey trousers, black shoes and a denim jacket. The jacket was kind of a comfort for him. It was the kind of thing that hadn’t really ever gone of style and it was one of the few items of clothes he had that he genuinely thought he looked good in. He left his room, patting himself down to make sure that he had everything, to find that Rudy wasn’t ready yet.

Simon smiled to himself, checking his phone as he waited for Rudy, he had a message from Nathan of course.

‘think I’ll dress up tonight, meeting someone special,’ Nathan wrote with a winky face at the end. Simon swallowed, he was excited but it didn’t settle any of the worries that he’d been trying to suffocate since Nikki had invited him out.

He tried not to think about it as he typed out his reply, ‘can’t wait to see you’. It wasn’t too much of a commitment, it didn’t reveal too much and it wasn’t embarrassing considering how much Nathan had whined about missing the taste of his mouth, it also happened to be true.

Rudy stepped out of his room in his Oasis reminiscent Fred Perry gear as Simon put his phone away.

“Right, how do I look?” He asked, arms spread out as he turned on the spot.

“Um, good?” Simon replied, he didn’t know what he was supposed to say, Rudy looked fine most of the time and didn’t usually seem all that bothered about how he looked anyway.

“Good enough,” Rudy said and blustered out of the flat, leaving Simon to scramble to catch up with him.

They took a short tube ride into the city centre. The bar had a rainbow flag waving in the light autumn breeze above the neon outlined sign. They found Curtis, Nikki, Kelly and Alisha stood outside the bar. The girls were smoking, jackets held tight against their bodies. It’d gotten markedly colder since they’d last met up. Simon was feeling the chill too and had popped his collar to protect his neck from the biting breeze.

“Alright,” Kelly said, nodding in their direction. Her friendliness strangely contrasted with her tone of voice and her severe styling.

Simon nodded politely as Rudy returned the greeting. They filed inside, past the doorman, having his ID checked always made Simon a little nervous no matter the situation, and found a booth to sit at. Nikki got the first round in. She even ordered some kind of fruity cocktail for Nathan who wasn’t there yet.

“So are you and Nathan really still a thing, like he hasn’t irritated the balls off of you yet?” Alisha asked, directly addressing Simon.

His throat clammed up, he hadn’t expected this kind of questioning, but he probably should have.

“It’s early days, he’s still got time to really cock it up,” Curtis said, smirking as took a sip of his Guinness.

“Oi, you’re gonna scare the lad,” Rudy said, wrapping his arms around Simon’s shoulders.

“It’s fine, it’s going fine,” Simon said, more assuring himself than anyone else, as he batted Rudy’s arms away. It hadn’t really been a question, Simon knew that. Obviously it was an easy way to rib on Nathan who wasn’t even there.

“Don’t worry about them, they just love to snipe at Nathan ‘cause he can be an irritating cunt,” Nikki said, trying to placate Simon with her gentle and low tones.

“Um, okay,” Simon said, he didn’t feel all that reassured but he appreciated the effort at the very least.

Simon was saved from further scrutiny by Nathan arrival.

“Speak of the devil,” Curtis muttered against is drink.

Simon watched as Nathan moved through the growing crowd. The sight of him was shocking in a provocative way, which Simon supposed was Nathan’s desired effect. Attention is currency in the drag world. 

Nathan was wearing a tan trench coat like a film noir private detective. Black tights and black kitten heels, blonde bombshell wig and scarlet red lipstick, he was more femme fatale than private eye. Simon hid behind his pint and hoped beyond hope that Rudy wouldn’t leave him high and dry for at least a little while.

“And why are you in drag?” Curtis asked as Nathan slid into the booth, body pressed flush against Simon.

They didn’t say anything, which was a little strange, but Curtis’ comment had glossed over the need for a greeting. Although, Nathan did spare Simon a glance, something charged and electric that didn’t last very long.

“It’s your day off, don’t you wanna give your dick break from being bent backward into your arsehole?” Alisha asked, staring pointedly at Nathan from across the table.

“It ain’t tucked love, that’s why I’m wearing the trench coat,” Nathan smirked, pulling on the lapel of the coat.

“You look like a fucking flasher,” Kelly said at through a chuckle.

“It’s a little bit Atomic Blonde,” Rudy said, gesturing to Nathan with his pint, reaching in front of Simon.

“What’s that?” Kelly asked, brows pinched as she looked over at Rudy.

“It’s a spy thriller set in the Germany in the eighties, before the Berlin wall came down,” Simon explained, he knew it was more information than anyone had asked for, but he thought it was a concise explanation considering how much detail he could go into.

“That movie is hella sexy,” Nathan replied, preening as he took the drink that Nikki was pushing toward him.

“I don’t know, I’m not exactly into James McAvoy,” Nikki said, considering it as she looked off in thought and curled her lip.

“You ain’t into Mr. Tumnus?” Rudy asked as he quirked a sharp brow at her.

“You don’t wanna go fucking a goat-man,” Nathan said, shaking his head as he spoke.

“Oh yeah, you got some pearls of judgement for us about your years of experience fucking goat-men?” Rudy returned, smiling slyly at Nathan.

“It’s the hooves, you don’t wanna get kicked in the balls by one of those, it’ll come right off,” Nathan sneered and Rudy hissed beside Simon.

“Okay,” Curtis drew out. “So how’s everyone doing then?” He asked, thankfully changing the subject because Simon didn’t know if he could handle following that conversation to its end.

“Me and Simon are alright, same old mind numbing crap, I think my dick’s gonna drop off from boredom, it’s not getting enough action,” Rudy muttered, whining as he tipped his head back.

“I-I don’t think that’s why it’ll fall off,” Simon said, stuttering against his pint.

“What’s your theory then?” Rudy asked, turning on Simon.

“I think it’ll just come off in your hand,” Simon replied. He was all but referring to how he’d unwittingly walked in on Rudy several times since they’d started living together.

“A serial wanker eh?” Nathan piped up, shifting against Simon. “You won’t go blind, that’s bullshit, but you might get rug burn,” he added, waving his hand at Rudy, leaning a little too heavily on Simon as he did so.

“Are you saying that you wanked so much you got rug burn?” Alisha asked, chuckling around her straw.

“No, I’m just saying that chaffing can turn from pleasure to pain real quick,” Nathan said, all but confirming Alisha’s suggestion.

The night went on like that. Simon wondered just what the hell he’d been worrying about. Sure, Nathan had shown himself to be a little offensive, he’d all but accused Rudy, Kelly and Alisha of being paedophiles, had definitely suggested that Simon and Rudy were lesbians (how that was supposed to be possible Simon didn’t know) and he’d said something that was confusingly homophobic but Simon figured that it didn’t matter all that much considering.

It was kind of difficult to notice every strange thing that Nathan said, especially over Rudy’s equally strange persona, with the way he was leaning against him. Simon’s attention was focused on the way Nathan was practically all over him.

At one point, Rudy slipped away and disappeared into the crowd, obviously on the prowl. After that Curtis announced that he had a shoot tomorrow and he needed an early night. Nikki left with him, patting Simon on the shoulder as she left the booth. Alisha and Nathan went on back and forth for a while after that and Kelly brought them another round. Simon was surprised that he and Kelly were able to talk, especially with Alisha and Nathan practically yelling beside them, but she was easy to talk to. Eventually though, Kelly and Alisha left too. Leaving Simon and Nathan alone.

“You wanna get McDonalds?” Nathan asked, turning to Simon with a sickly sweet smile.

* * *

The florescent lights weren’t exactly kind to either of them, but neither of them noticed because they were so jovially drunk. They made their order to an exasperated employee who did not have time for their shit but had to put up with it. Simon tried to be polite and concise as Nathan pawed at him and whispered dirty jokes into his ear. 

He carried the tray as Nathan weaved around the seats and found a quiet corner among the other drunk and tired patrons. They sat opposite each other, feet brushing each other as they settled in.

Nathan’s lipstick left stains on the chips as he chomped on them.

“Are we going to fuck tonight?” Nathan asked. Simon choked on his diet coke.

“I don’t think so,” Simon said, coughing.

“Can I ask why?” Nathan said softly. At this point, Simon could tell that Nathan was disappointed, it was in the way he wouldn’t look at Simon and how his whole body seemed to sag.

“Because we’re both drunk,” Simon replied simply.

“I haven’t done it sober in years,” Nathan returned flippantly, waving a chicken nugget in the air as he spoke.

“I don’t think that’s healthy,” Simon stated as he tried not to think about how sad that sounded, it might not have even been true.

“I don’t do anything healthy sweetheart,” Nathan winked as he shoved another chips in his mouth. “You wanna come back to mine and do some necking, then?”

“Okay,” Simon murmured, ducking his head as he spoke.

* * *

They crashed into Nathan’s flat almost the same way they did the first time. Nathan had Simon pressed up against the hall wall, kicking off his heels as he moved in, body flush against Simon’s trapping him in.

“I’ve been waiting all week for this,” Nathan murmured, lips on the flesh of Simon’s ear, pushing Simon’s jacket down his arms and letting it drop to the floor.

Simon shivered, body quaking against the wall as Nathan continued kiss and caress him. Fingers slipped into his short hair. He wanted to see what was under that trench coat, he’d been thinking about it all night. Simon clumsily moved his hands between them. His fingers caught the belt and he began to undo it.

“Wait, wait, you need the full picture,” Nathan said as he stepped away, disentangling himself from Simon. “Stay there lover, get ready for the centrefold spread,” he smirked as he undid the belt himself.

Simon was barely able to catch his breath, his chest was heaving as he stood there leant against the wall, watching as Nathan slowly opened the coat. Just as he’d suspected, Nathan was hardly wearing anything underneath. Stockings and suspenders. Simon could hardly tear his eyes from the lacy underwear that was struggling to hold in Nathan’s hardening erection.

“What do’ya think?” Nathan asked, smiling wickedly at Simon.

“Definitely centrefold worthy,” Simon replied. He rolled his eyes over Nathan’s skin, fingers itching to touch the other. 

“You wanna take a picture?” Nathan asked. He leaned back against the wall, opposite Simon, and posed. Lipstick smeared dramatically across his face.

Simon didn’t hesitate, mostly because situations like this were rare, and pulled out his phone. He wished he had a DSLR and some decent lighting but Simon figured that this was more than enough. Especially since no one had offered something like this to him before, it was just another reminder that Simon had never been with someone like Nathan before. It was endlessly thrilling if also a little terrifying.

Nathan mugged for the camera, taking several poses before he pushed Simon back against the wall and started to kiss him again. Knee between Simon’s legs. Simon quaked as he put his hands on Nathan’s skin, fingers dipping into Nathan’s flesh, pulling the other in. His hands alighted over the shitty tattoos that Simon found kind of endearing.

After a while of practically dry humping against the wall, Nathan dragged Simon down the hall and pushed him into the bedroom.

Somewhere along the way, Simon had dropped his phone but he really didn’t care, he couldn’t care about much with the way Nathan was moving against him. Nathan forced him down onto the mattress. They bounced on the springs as Nathan clambered over him, caging Simon on the bed with his angular body.

Simon watched with bated breath as Nathan rose up onto his knees and threw the trench coat to the floor. He dropped back down against Simon, bodies flush together, their mouths connected harshly.

“It’s really not fair, you know,” Nathan muttered against Simon’s lips.

“Huh?” Simon murmured in reply.

“You’ve still got all your clothes on and I’m practically naked over here,” Nathan said, pulling away slightly to gesture to his state of undress.

It was true, Simon was still in his button up and simple trousers.

“You’re, again, looking like a distinctly uptight and not fun version of your Joy Division boy, he at least cheated on his wife,” Nathan continued, hands smoothing down Simon’s front as he spoke, “come on, cut loose, show some skin,” he added, leaning down to press his mouth against the shell of Simon’s ear. “I’ve already got plenty of pictures, you don’t need to be shy.”

Simon groaned, flushing as he held Nathan close. Even despite the strange comment about Ian Curtis, he was painfully hard and desperately wanted to get out of his clothes. He nodded up at Nathan and the other’s fingers alighted on Simon’s shirt, undoing the buttons with practiced ease. Nathan pushed the shirt from his shoulders and then he was naked from the waist up. He’d been as good as shirtless with Nathan before, he’d sent the other plenty of photos of him in his underwear, but still he was a little nervous to have Nathan’s intense gaze pressed like a heavy weight down against him.

“You wanna pop your trousers off or are we still not going there?” Nathan asked, hand lightly hovering over the tent that Simon’s erection was making of his trousers.

“Um,” Simon didn’t know. Taking his trousers off didn’t mean that they had to have sex or anything like that. Still, he didn’t know where he stood with Nathan, were they together or just seeing each other or something so flaky that it didn’t even have a name. “What are we doing?”

“I mean, I think it’s pretty fucking obvious,” Nathan said, gesturing between them.

“That’s not what I mean,” Simon returned flatly.

“I know,” Nathan sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he sat back on his heels. “That’s a fucking boner killer,” he added and threw the wig and head cap atop a chest of draws a few feet from the bed.

“So?” Simon said, blinking at Nathan.

“What do you want it to be?” Nathan returned as he pushed his fingers through the tight curls of his hair.

“Something at least,” Simon replied as he continued to steadily watch the other.

“You wanna be my boyfriend?” Nathan asked, point blank.

Simon didn’t know. It wasn’t that he was unwilling to put a label on what was between them or that he wasn’t willing to make that kind of commitment again. He looked forward to Nathan’s messages and pictures, he enjoyed the strange short calls he got from Nathan at odd hours of the night, he liked being around Nathan even with all the weird and potentially offensive things he said, despite Nathan’s abrasive personality and maybe even because of it. He was hesitant to define it because he still didn’t know where Nathan stood on the whole relationships thing.

Sure his friends had contrived a situation where they might get together, so Nathan couldn’t be so bad, but they also kinda complained about him a lot too. No matter which way Simon thought about it, he was still unsure.

“Maybe,” he said after some thought. His eyes were heavy on Nathan, waiting for the other’s reaction.

“Maybe?” Nathan replied, voice high pitched, as he frowned at Simon.

“What do you want?” Simon asked. He was genuinely interested and Nathan’s answer would colour how the relationship continued, how Simon felt about things between them.

“I want to get you out of this prison you call clothes,” Nathan said, fingers curled around Simon’s thighs, just above his knees.

“Can’t you answer a question seriously?” Simon asked, brows pinched as he caught Nathan’s wrists, staring up at the other.

“No, not really,” Nathan replied and it was probably as honest as Nathan had ever been with Simon.

Simon sighed. He brought his hand up to his head and pressed his hair down. Propped up on his elbows as he stared back at Nathan, fingers pressing anxiously into the sheets. Neither of them seemed to be about to budge. Simon knew better than to say anything first though, having known Rudy for so long, he knew that people with poor impulse control were never the patient type.

“Look, does it fucking matter?” Nathan said, breaking the tense silence as Simon knew he would. “I don’t care for labels and all that shit, I just do stuff and if you don’t know where you stand then that’s your problem,” he went on and it didn’t seem as though he was about to stop. “You’re all wrapped up in complexes and issues and gay panic and relationship problems and low self esteem, you need to fucking relax babe,” he finished, climbing off of Simon and the bed. He threw on a random shirt and looked back at Simon, who was still half laid on the bed.

Simon scrambled to follow, to keep up. He sat up and slipped his arms back into his shirt.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Simon asked. Even if some of what Nathan had said made sense none of it seemed connected, at least Simon couldn’t see the connection. “How am I supposed to know where I stand if I don’t know what we are?” He asked, staring up at Nathan, feet on the floor as he sat on the edge of the bed. The room was so small that Nathan only had room to stand less than a foot in front of him, which left him looming strangely over Simon.

“Why does it matter? Why’s it gotta get serious? We’re just having fun,” Nathan whined, he dropped down onto the floor, sitting cross-legged with his face in his hands.

“What if I want to do more than just have fun?” Simon asked, he leant forward with his elbows against his thighs and stared down at Nathan. His teeth worried at his lips as Nathan continued not to look at him. Maybe they’d just clash, two ideologies and personalities that were incompatible. Simon had thought that they were pretty damn compatible though. His desire for attention, to be needed at least on a superficial level and for someone who was less serious than himself seemed to fit Nathan completely, that was what Simon had thought but maybe he was wrong. Simon was starting to question himself again.

“Then ask me to be your boyfriend you fucking coward or are you worried that that’d be too gay for ya?” Nathan muttered, dropping his hand to his lap and staring at Simon with defiance.

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Simon asked. He didn’t see the harm in asking, if Nathan said no then he’d just leave and deal with the pain by listening to depressing music and pretending not to cry, if Nathan said yes, which Simon doubted, then, well Simon didn’t dare think so positively. It would be tempting fate.

“I don’t know,” Nathan replied flatly.

“What?” Of all things, Simon hadn’t expected something so wishy-washy.

“I said I don’t know, I don’t get why you need that kind of commitment when you were so bent out of shape by that girl before,” Nathan replied, looking slightly miffed.

Simon figured that Nathan sort of had a point, but Nathan might have just been using something he knew Simon was sore about to divert from his own issues, which Simon wouldn’t have put past him.

“Maybe you’re just scared of saying no because then you won’t get my attention anymore,” Simon returned. He knew he was an easy target for someone like Nathan. Cheap and consistent attention, it was easier than posting thirst traps on instagram.

“I don’t need your attention,” Nathan said, jumping up onto his feet to laugh at Simon.

“Okay,” Simon said and rose from the bed. He left the room, retrieved his phone from the floor in the hall and put it in his pocket. He stopped in front of the door and did up his shirt and put his jacket on. Simon tried not to be disappointed that Nathan hadn’t followed him, that Nathan hadn’t argued or fought to change his mind. It was easier to pretend that he’d just saved himself from another bought of heart ache as he left the flat and closed the door behind him.

As soon as he was out onto the streets, Simon realised that it was still the middle of the night. He held his jacket closed with the pinched fingers of one hand as he brought his phone out and called a taxi home.

The ride was quiet. The driver didn’t start up any small talk, they probably took one look at Simon and thought better of it. Simon was thankful for at least that much. Still it wasn’t good to silently stew, he felt as though he was boiling on the inside, it was the fact that he was pissed off that was making it all that much worse for him. He didn’t understand why Nathan’s blatant denial got to him so much. It shouldn’t matter because it was very obviously a lie, but it had been the thing to really set him off.

It should have been Nathan’s inability to commit to even the smallest kind of relationship between them that really got under his skin. It should have been but it wasn’t. Maybe it was because Nathan had been pretty clear about his reluctance in that department from the moment they met and this was straight out of the blue. He hadn’t expected Nathan to lie about something so god damn obvious.

Simon was pretty sure that you could spot Nathan’s attention dependency from space.

He rushed out of the taxi, telling the driver to keep the change, and made his way into the building. The moment he was inside the flat, relief washed over him. The fact that there were two people bare naked on their sofa hardly registered as he made his way to his bedroom.

Simon dropped onto his bed and then he undressed haphazardly on top of the mattress. He threw his jacket across the desk chair and the rest found their way to the floor, crumpled and creased, Simon flopped down against the sheets. His phone began to buzz in his pocket on the floor. Simon left it there and stared up at the dark ceiling, willing himself to not care about it.

The relationship had barely started, hadn’t really started at all, at most they were friends with benefits and that didn’t even work out in the movies. It definitely hadn’t worked out between them either. They were friends that sent nudes, or at least Nathan had while Simon had never taken off his boxers, and Nathan had those photos. That thought rocketed through him. He hoped that he could trust Nathan at least that much, but he really didn’t know. Simon didn’t know what to do with the photos on his phone and laptop. He supposed he should delete them, but he didn’t want to do that just yet, he didn’t want to give up just yet. No matter how pathetic that sounded.

He didn’t know why he’d got stuck on the photos instead of the irritating sinking feeling that was settling in his gut. It was easy to think about something so inconsequential than it was to feel like a fool. Simon closed his eyes and hoped that sleep would take him quickly, but it didn’t.

_Guess your dreams always end._   
_ They don't rise up just descend,_   
_ But I don't care anymore,_   
_ I've lost the will to want more,_   
_ I'm not afraid not at all,_   
_ I watch them all as they fall,_   
_ But I remember._


	5. Chapter 5

Simon awoke to Rudy setting down a cup of tea on his bedside table, for once he was thankful that Rudy never bothered with privacy. It might have been nicer if Rudy were wearing more than just his boxers though.

“What time is it?” Simon grumbled as he rose up into a sitting position, rubbing at his eyes with the knuckle of his fingers.

“Just past eleven,” Rudy said, straightening up. “You want toast or something?” He asked.

Simon looked around for his phone and remembered that he’d left it in his clothes. He dragged his hand down his face and picked the mug up, mostly just for something to do while he thought about whether he wanted breakfast or not.

“Toast would be nice, thanks,” Simon replied finally.

“Alright then, I’ll see ya in the kitchen,” Rudy said and left the room.

After taking a sip of his tea, Simon set it back down and climbed out of bed. He retrieved his phone from the pile of clothes heap on his floor. There were more missed calls than Simon had ever had before, notifications from every messaging app he had and so many texts that he’d be there all morning if he tried to read them all. He also had voicemails, Simon hadn’t had a voicemail in years. Simon froze. He had no idea what to do.

Instead of doing anything about the state of his phone, Simon cleared away his dirty clothes. He put on an old t-shirt and joggers and left the room. He slipped his phone into his pocket, made his way to the kitchen and sat down at their shitty breakfast table. Rudy slid two plates of toast across the table and sat down opposite Simon. Simon mumbled a thank you.

“So,” Rudy began, fiddling with the crust of his toast, “you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

Simon didn’t want to, he felt stupid even forming the words in his head. He wasn’t even sure that Rudy would understand it anyways, Rudy was the kind of guy that would go with anyone no matter what, he kind of didn’t have any standards.

“I guess me and Nathan had an argument,” Simon started, unsure of where to really begin.

“Right,” Rudy said, urging him on.

“I don’t know, from the start I knew he just wanted to have sex but I thought maybe he wanted more than that,” Simon went on, staring at his toast and rubbing at the back of his neck as he spoke. “I asked him what we were doing,” he continued, he could feel a blush crawling across the bridge of his nose, he still wasn’t looking at Rudy.

“Oh,” Rudy said, hand frozen with a slice of toast caught between his fingers hanging in the air, he stared back at Simon looking a little sad for Simon.

“What?” Simon asked, brows pinched, finally looking back at Rudy.

“Well, what did he say?” Rudy returned and set his slice of toast down.

“That it wasn’t anything, that he didn’t know whether he wanted to be my boyfriend or not,” Simon explained, loosely quoting Nathan.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Rudy said, eyes squinted as he stared at Simon.

“Why?”

“Because he’s constantly messaging you and all that, I mean take last night, he was all over you the whole time, using every excuse to touch ya and keep your attention,” Rudy went on, hand flicking in the air as he spoke.

“Yeah,” Simon said, he wasn’t entirely following Rudy though. “But that might just be because he wants to sleep with me,” he added. It was still difficult for him to believe that Nathan wanted more from him, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

“Nah mate,” Rudy replied quickly, sneering as he said it, “if it was just that then he’d have fucked off the instant he knew you wouldn’t just give it up without feelings involved,” he went on, teeth and gums showing as he spoke.

“I guess so,” Simon said, he softly chewed on the edge of his toast.

“This is why we need to boost ya confidence, otherwise you keep second guessing yourself and thinking that people aren’t interested in ya, you’re an interesting guy Si. You just need to believe it,” Rudy rambled, getting a little more irate as he went on.

“I do have more messages on phone than I’ve ever had before, he even left voicemails,” Simon said, ducking his head as he took another bite of his toast, smiling around the bread.

“What, so he was texting you all night and you just gave him the cold shoulder?” Rudy asked, smirking as he leant his elbows on the table.

“Yeah,” Simon said, smiling a little as he looked back at Rudy. He finished off most of his toast.

“You sly fucking dog Simon,” Rudy said with glee, reaching across the table to ruffle Simon’s hair. “Leaving him to stew all night, see this is an improvement,” he added. Simon batted his hand away.

“I haven’t even looked any of them,” Simon said.

“It’s what he deserves,” Rudy said, shoving some toast into his mouth. “He knows what he wants, he just ain’t prepared to admit it.”

Simon thought that maybe Rudy was onto something. He brought out his phone and looked at the lockscreen again, the notifications did his anxiety no good but it was a hell of a shot to his ego.

“The last thing he said was that he didn’t need my attention,” Simon said, still staring at his phone.

“And then he goes and blows up your phone,” Rudy chuckled. He cleaned off his toast, rose from the table and dumped the plate into the sink. “I’ll leave ya to it then,” he added, winking at Simon as he left the room.

Simon nodded at Rudy before turning back to his phone.

As far as Simon could figure, things could go one of two ways. Either Nathan’s messages were all full of petty vitriol and Simon wouldn’t have to waste his time going through all of the messages because that meant things were definitely over, or Nathan’s messages and voicemails and pictures were the kind that Simon was quietly hopeful for, the kind that were begging forgiveness. Maybe begging was too strong, Nathan seemed a little too prideful for something like that, but his personality was too abrasive to call anything he did placating. The only way that he would know was to read the messages.

Finally, Simon unlocked his phone. He went first to the texts, they were separated in fractured parts and started out with ‘don’t be such a pussy’, ‘maybe if you unclenched your arse you’d actually enjoy yourself for once’ and quickly slid into ‘I’m just not as desperately lonely as you are’, ‘answer phone Barry,’ and ‘talk to meeeeeeeeeeeee’ eventually, after two whole hours of consistent messages, ending at ‘maybe I do want to be your boyfriend.’ The pictures on Whatsapp were much the same, they started with selfies of a barely dressed Nathan captioned ‘look at what you’re missing’ and ending with a blurring shot of the sunrise saying that he missed Simon. There were a few sporadic messages and photos on the Facebook messenger app and Snapchat, one whined about how Simon didn’t have an Instagram.

Simon’s heart was in his throat as he looked over the words and pictures. He couldn’t imagine what the voicemails were like. He dialled his voicemail, his hands were shaking from the adrenaline of mixed excitement and anxiety, and brought the phone up to his ear.

There were too many to listen to all of them, nor did Simon want to listen to all of them. He played the first thirty seconds or so of some, mostly they just repeated what Nathan had said in his messages, but the last one stopped Simon’s heart.

“I want your attention, alright, I’m a total attention whore. I’m an attention addict and I am just fucking jonesing for yours.”

Simon finished his toast and tea, got up from the table and washed up. Then he went back his bedroom, gathered some clothes, had a shower, brushed his teeth, returned to his room and opened his phone again.

The message went through several iteration before Simon sent it: ‘let’s meet up, I think we need to talk.’

Before Simon was able to put the phone down, it vibrated in his hand and he almost dropped it. Nathan’s reply was short and to the point. It threw Simon off a little, sure Nathan sent short messages before but they were very rarely, if ever, to the point.

‘when + where’.

* * *

The café was reminiscent of the kinds that his father had taken him to at lunchtimes when Simon was on school holidays. It was what people called a greasy spoon café. The seats were probably the same ones from when the place had opened, which Simon supposed from the décor was the early eighties. Simon sat in the booth and tried not to watch the door as he nursed a builder’s tea.

He didn’t know what he was going to say, he had a rough idea, but Nathan was unpredictable and volatile. It was probably best not to have a plan and expect the unexpected.

Nathan slid into the booth opposite him. His sudden appearance startled Simon slightly. Simon couldn’t help but think that he was just as alluring whether he was in or out of drag, but it wasn’t the time to be thinking about that.

“Hey,” Nathan said stiffly.

“Hi,” Simon returned.

Before they could continue what was already a painfully awkward conversation, the waitress came over, a matronly woman who was probably old enough to be Simon’s mother. She took Nathan’s order and shuffled off again. Nathan turned back Simon as soon as she was out of sight.

“So, I take it you got my messages, I can be a real Oscar Wilde when I wanna be,” Nathan said, he seemed jittery, making a joke to warm the waters.

“Yeah,” Simon replied at length.

“I’m not apologising,” Nathan said and began to fiddle with the condiments.

“I never asked you to,” Simon said. He hadn’t said much of anything really. The one time he had tried to assert his opinion, Nathan had flipped out and lied straight to his face. “I just want the truth Nathan, I don’t want to be messed around,” he explained.

“I meant what I said, when I sent all those messages, don’t make me repeat myself,” Nathan said, seemingly pained at having to admit to any feelings beyond something superficial.

“Do you want us to be something or not because you’re confusing me,” Simon muttered. He needed to press and pry when it was his least favourite thing to do, but Nathan wasn’t exactly forthcoming.

Nathan reached over the table, gripped the front of Simon’s shirt in his fist, pulled Simon half across the table and kissed him hard.

“Does that answer your question?” Nathan asked sharply and let Simon go, dropping back down into his seat.

“No, not really,” Simon replied, frowning back at Nathan. He smoothed down the front of his shirt.

Nathan groaned and rubbed his hands over his face.

“Fine, fine, I like you a whole lot and I like your attention and yeah I wouldn’t mind being your boyfriend,” Nathan said through gritted teeth, getting the truth out of him was like pulling teeth. “Is that what you want?”

“Kind of, yeah,” Simon said. His heart was hammering away in his chest. He could hardly believe how well it had went, Rudy had been right, he just needed a bit more confidence.

“Can we go back to sending tasteful nudes and flirting and making out now?” Nathan begged, palms pressed together as he held his hands over the table between them.

“Um,” Simon murmured, “yeah,” he added, blushing into his tea.

The waitress came over then, sliding their food in front of them. Simon murmured a thank you while Nathan smiled widely up her. It was nothing less than a shit eating grin. Nathan had a full English and a tea, Simon had ordered some French toast. He watched as Nathan dumped a ton of sugar into his tea and stirred it with his fork.

“So, boyfriend, what ya wanna do now?” Nathan asked, sickly sweet as he piled up food onto his fork. “Talk about work and complain about your co-workers?” He went on. “Oh Carol’s such a hag, she keeps stealing staples, she says it ain’t her but I know it is because I sat there and watched her staple forty pages of accounts together. Just because her marriage is failing doesn’t mean that she’s entitled to steal the company property,” Nathan said in a high lilting voice and finally shoved the food in his mouth once he was finished.

Simon tried to stifle his laughter but was unsuccessful. It was hard to stay mad at Nathan, not that he wanted to be mad at him, the things he said were just so absurd.

“What do you want to talk about?” Simon asked, after composing himself.

“I don’t want to talk, I want to do,” Nathan said around a mouthful of food.

“What do you want to do?” Simon asked, hoping that Nathan wouldn’t say sex but knowing that it was a high possibility.

“We need to get you some new clothes,” Nathan muttered, eyeing Simon, eyes roving over what he could see of Simon’s body.

“What?” Simon said, looking down at himself. “What’s wrong with my clothes?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Nathan said dismissively. “It’s just that your wardrobe consists of twenty variants of the same thing and you dress like a serial killer,” he added, swishing his fork around in the air.

It wasn’t hard to see where Nathan was coming from, but it wasn’t as though Nathan’s dress out of drag was all that more stylish than Simon’s. He wasn’t exactly offended. Maybe Nathan was more stylish than him, it wasn’t as though Simon would know, even though he was trying to be more in tune with that sort of thing recently.

“I’m not saying get rid of your whole wardrobe and burn it in a barrel,” Nathan said, he leant a little more forward, elbows on the table. “I just wanna see more diversity,” he added, biting his lip as he stared at Simon.

* * *

Simon did not particularly enjoy shopping, especially clothes shopping. He always felt out of place. It was kind of humiliating to stand around staring at clothes that you knew would never look good on your awkward frame. He could already hear Rudy’s voice in his head, telling him to be more confident.

They walked through the mall, it was just a short train ride from the café, like most things were in London. The building was large and sprawling. Simon felt a little uncomfortable in the brightly lit open space. There were a lot of people around and Simon felt as though they were all staring at him, that it was obvious that he shouldn’t be in a place like this.

Nathan dragged him into a store, there was a lot of wood around, the air was thick with perfume and even Simon could tell that the people milling around and the staff were the trendy types. He already knew he wasn’t cool enough to be here.

“You look like you’re being violated,” Nathan commented, “I’m not going to put you in a dress and ask you to wear a thong, quit looking around like I’ve kidnapped you,” he hissed, pulling Simon toward him by the elbow.

“I don’t go shopping often,” Simon murmured, shoulder bumping against Nathan’s.

“Well, yeah, that was painfully obvious,” Nathan said while rolling his eyes. “That’s why I’m here, to guide your hips,” he added, winking at Simon as he continued to smile at the other.

Simon ducked his head. He pressed his hair down against his forehead, keeping his hair neat as he blushed at the floor. It was kind of nice in a way. He stayed close to Nathan, barely looking at the clothes as Nathan flicked through a rack of t-shirts.

“I bet you’ve already got one of these don’tcha?” Nathan said, smirking as he pulled out a black t-shirt. He turned the front toward Simon, revealing the print on the front. It was the album cover for Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division. Simon tried not to roll his eyes.

“I don’t actually,” Simon replied. He had wanted one for a while, but he’d thought it was too on nose and people would assume certain things about him at the sight of it.

“Oh really?” Nathan asked, just a touch disbelieving. Simon nodded. “Doesn’t it just scream ‘I have self-esteem problems but I’m really pretentious about it’,” he said, smiling mischievously as he waved the shirt around, “you should totally get it.”

“Is that supposed to be an insult?” Simon asked, genuinely confused.

“Black looks good on everyone and this says something more positive about you than twelve shirts in the same colour does,” Nathan rambled, completely ignoring Simon’s question, “and you definitely need something to relax in, you’re wardrobe’s as uptight as you are,” he continued, insistent.

“You haven’t seen my wardrobe,” Simon said, growing a little defensive.

“I’ve got enough photos of you to know that you pretty much wear the same thing every single day,” Nathan returned, putting his hand on his hips as he continued to hold the t-shirt between them.

“No I don’t,” Simon murmured weakly, knowing that Nathan was mostly right.

“Gym clothes do not count,” Nathan said, pointing at Simon sharply, “you can’t have your gym wear be the same clothes as your leisure wear, that’s just not on,” he added, looking vaguely disgusted.

“Fine, I’ll get the shirt,” Simon muttered and took the shirt from Nathan’s hands, it was clear that Nathan wasn’t going to shut up until he got what he wanted.

Nathan smiled at Simon, like the cat that got the cream, and swiftly turned back to the clothes.

“How about patterned button ups?” Nathan asked.

“Hmm?” Simon hummed, watching as Nathan’s fingers slid over the fabric of various shirts that Simon knew he wasn’t brave enough to pick up let alone buy and wear.

“You’ve seen Queer Eye right?” Nathan asked, flicking his eyes to Simon as he continued to pull at the shirts. “Five fabulous, wealthy and good looking gay guys come in, give ya a new wardrobe, some life advice, a new haircut and decorate and then fuck off again,” he explained.

“No, I haven’t seen it,” Simon replied. He’d heard about it, his friends all definitely watched it, but Simon just wasn’t interested in reality shows.

“Let me guess, you just watch Mind Hunter and serial killer documentaries,” Nathan said with a roll of his eyes.

“I listen to podcasts mostly,” Simon said quickly, masking over the fact that Nathan was entirely right.

“Bet they’re all true crime,” Nathan said and that self-satisfied little smirk appeared again.

“What’s that got to do with clothes?” Simon said. He knew that the tangent could have gone on for ages, Nathan loved chasing rabbit holes in conversations, he also didn’t want to talk about his interest in true crime in public where people could hear and listen to him.

“Well, we’ve got to work you out of your comfort zone by starting with shit you’re comfortable with,” Nathan explained, he pulled out a purple short sleeved button up shirt, it was patterned with sunflowers.

“So shirts?” Simon said, a little confused, Nathan could be hard to follow at the best of times.

“Yes, shirts,” Nathan returned waving the shirt in front of Simon.

“I don’t know about that,” Simon said as he stared at the pattern. It was so much louder than anything he had ever owned. He wasn’t opposed to the colour, his wardrobe wasn’t monochrome, but he definitely preferred muted colours and less attention seeking patterns. If anything, Simon figured that it was more like something Nathan would wear as a joke.

“Okay, we’ll try something else,” Nathan said and slid the shirt back onto the rack.

They moved through the mall slowly, mostly because Nathan stopped to talk about something that had nothing to do with anything at all every ten minutes. Eventually, Simon had enough new clothes that he felt a little self conscious about it.

It was getting late. Simon didn’t like to eat out too much, he was trying to stay healthy, but he was too tired from traipsing around the mall to go home and make something. They found a chain Italian restaurant and had dinner together. Strangely, the day had sort naturally progressed into a date, without either of them acknowledging it. It was nice so Simon didn’t mention it.

“Are you trying to turn me into the boyfriend you want?” Simon asked. It was hard to ignore thoughts like that, especially when he’d been right about them in the past.

“If you remember correctly, I wasn’t the one that wanted a boyfriend, you forced my hand by withholding attention, you minx,” Nathan replied, pointing his fork in Simon’s direction, the spaghetti slipped off of the fork and splattered back down to the plate.

“I didn’t talk to you for one night,” Simon said, trying not to smile because it would undermine him but failing. “I could have just been asleep.”

“Well, that just shows how into you I am,” Nathan said quickly. He seemed to always have something to say, something in his back pocket to throw back at whoever he was talking to. If they were ever to argue, Simon thought, it would turn into something like a tennis match against someone like Roger Federer and Simon would have to struggle to keep up.

“So, why did I need all of these clothes?” Simon asked because he’d learnt not to let Nathan stray too far from the point of their conversation or they’d never get back to what they were meant to be talking about. It was hard to remember where you began when Nathan really got going.

“Why did you buy them?” Nathan returned, spinning the question back on Simon.

“I think they’re nice and you’re right, it’s probably about time that I got some new clothes,” Simon said, fumbling along his explanation.

“See,” Nathan said as though he’d made a point, which he kind of had. “Of course I want to see you in nice and different stuff, I need more variety in my wank bank, but it’s also good for you. It’s a perfect partnership of birds and stones,” he went on, skewering pasta as he spoke.

“I guess so,” Simon said, chuckling softly at the strange absurdity of Nathan’s allegory.

“There’s no guessing about it, it’s a match made in heaven,” Nathan said sharply.

“I wouldn’t go that far, especially after last night,” Simon replied, murmuring as he referenced their first fight.

“Okay, not heaven, but maybe 5,000 feet,” Nathan said, smiling wickedly.

“Are making a mile high club reference?” Simon said, brows pinched as he stared at Nathan.

“Well, we’re only just getting up into the air,” Nathan replied, still smiling as he chewed on his pasta.

The statement was strangely romantic, they were just starting and fumbling through the motions of finding a balance between their starkly different personalities, it was again nice in a way that Simon hadn’t expected.

“We are,” Simon reiterated, smiling over the table at Nathan.

Simon went home with a smile on his face and his phone almost constantly vibrating in his pocket. He checked it periodically, but he didn’t worry too much about leaving Nathan hanging. Nathan could learn to wait. Just like Simon could learn to be a bit more outgoing.

When he got home, Rudy was sat on the sofa playing a video game, he was barely perched on the edge of his seat with knees bouncing as he concentrated intently on the television screen. Simon was sure that Rudy didn’t notice his presence as he made his way to his bedroom.

He tried his clothes on, staring at himself in the mirror. Twisting and turning as he tried to see himself from every possible angle. It wasn’t as horrifying as he’d expected. Sure he felt awkward and silly standing in his bedroom changing outfits every few minutes, it reminded him of high school girls on television getting ready for a date with clothes piled up on their bedspread. But looking at himself in the mirror for longer than the cursory once over he usually gave himself before leaving, it actually made him feel good about himself, he could almost see what someone else might see in him. Almost. Standing in front of the mirror in different clothes didn’t cure his self-esteem issues.

Simon’s phone vibrated again, moving across the bedside table. He ignored it for now. Wearing his new Joy Division t-shirt and some tartan sweatpants, Simon made his way into the kitchen and put the kettle on.

“Hey man, I suppose it went well with Nathan then?” Rudy asked as he came into the kitchen, he pulled a bottle of cider out of the fridge.

“Yeah, it did,” Simon replied. He busied himself with putting the tea bag and sugar into his cup so that Rudy wouldn’t see his slight blush.

“That’s great, did ya tell him what for?” Rudy said, smirking as he opened the bottle with his teeth.

“Uh, sort of,” Simon replied, sneering as he watched the bottle cap pop off into Rudy’s mouth. He was surprised that Rudy didn’t cut his mouth open all the time, he was surprised that he Rudy’s teeth didn’t crack from how often he was opening bottles with his teeth. Rudy was lucky in a lot of weird ways that Simon wasn’t jealous of.

“So you finally put your foot down and nothing bad happened,” Rudy said and took a sip of the cider, sighing as he pulled the bottle away from his mouth.

“Nothing bad happened,” Simon repeated, smiling at the kettle as he watched the water boil.

“That’s great,” Rudy chuckled and smacked Simon on the shoulder. “You wearing new clothes?” He asked, brows pinched as he looked Simon up and down.

“I got them today,” Simon murmured as the kettle clicked off.

“He took you shopping after you patched everything up?” Rudy laughed good-naturedly and left the room. “You’ve got him wrapped around your finger eh?” He called from the living room as he took up his place on the sofa again.

“I don’t know about that,” Simon murmured to himself as he finished making his tea.

Simon took his tea back into the bedroom and finally looked at his phone. Of course it was another message from Nathan. ‘C’mon, I need pictures, you can’t string me along all day and not reward me,’ it read. Simon laughed, it’d been Nathan dragging him around, not the other way. The white lie was kind of endearing though. He didn’t give Nathan exactly what he wanted, he’d already put the clothes away and wasn’t about to get them out again and give Nathan his own personal fashion show.

Instead he dropped onto the bed and took a selfie of himself, he sent the picture and lied there staring at the ceiling feeling strangely giddy. Things were better. Sure it wasn’t perfect and Nathan was still kind of manipulative in his attention seeking, but Simon figured that he just needed to continue to stand up for himself. As Nathan had said, they were just starting off and figuring things out, between their two adverse personalities things weren’t going to always be smooth sailing. It’d only been one day.

The phone vibrated in Simon’s hand and continued to vibrate. It was rare that he got a phone call.

“Hello?” Simon said, holding the phone to his ear.

“You can’t just send something like that and give me nothing else,” Nathan whined loudly and Simon had to hold the phone a little ways away from his ear.

“I can and I did,” Simon replied. Nathan probably didn’t mean it anyway, he was messing around most of the time.

“Ugh, you’re a tempest, a wood nymph sent to purposely seduce me,” Nathan said, from the way it sounded Simon was sure that Nathan was moving around, making strange gestures. Simon could just imagine Nathan throwing himself down against his bed, overdramatic as usual.

“You don’t seem that hard to seduce,” Simon said, feeling more confident as Nathan gave him more attention, demanded more attention from him.

“Well, usually I’m not picky, but that’s just a wham bam thank you ma’am and we’re done,” Nathan said, Simon could hear fumbling around and was certain that Nathan was making a masturbating gesture. “But this is different.”

“How is it different?” Simon asked and rolled onto his side.

“Because we’re boyfriends,” Nathan said and made an obviously fake vomiting sound.

“The way you say that makes it sound like you don’t want that,” Simon said, staring at the lamp that stood on his bedside table.

“It’s just the words, they’re too cutesy,” Nathan replied quickly, “you’re someone that I want to be around, kiss, touch and eventually fuck because I like you,” he explained.

“You’re just making it more complicated,” Simon murmured and sat up again, reaching for his tea.

“Of course I am, but anyway, you’re just enticing and I wish you were here so I could just kiss the pants off of you,” Nathan said, he sounded frustrated, like a teenager.

“Good night Nathan,” Simon said, smiling softly as he took a sip of his tea.

“Ugh, good night you handsome shark,” Nathan said and hung up the phone, but sent another message to Simon before he could even put the phone down.

Simon didn’t go to bed straight away, he did lie in his bed watching stuff on his phone and smiling like mad as his excitement refused to die down.

_A change of speed, a change of style._  
A change of scene, with no regrets,  
A chance to watch, admire the distance,  
Still occupied, though you forget.  
Different colours, different shades,  
Over each mistakes were made.  
I took the blame.  
Directionless so plain to see,  
A loaded gun won't set you free.  
So you say.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: explicit sexual content.

Confidence wasn’t easy to come by, especially for Simon, he didn’t even wear any of his new clothes to work on Monday. Instead he went in his usual navy button up and dark trousers. He felt a little cowardly after everything that had happened over the last few days. Trying and doing were two different things though and at this moment Simon really was trying. He was only just trying, just like they’d really only just started their relationship, he had to learn to walk before he could run.

Simon tried not to think about it as he tried to focus on his work. Rudy hadn’t been of much help, mostly he helped as much as he hurt, it was just the strange balance that Rudy’s personality held. Chaotic neutral. Complimenting Simon’s new clothes and commenting on their sudden lack of appearance.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, Simon didn’t need the distraction, but he wanted it. He wanted the attention even he felt strangely guilty accepting it. Simon tried to stop over thinking and pulled the phone out of his pocket. The message was from Nathan, of course, everyone else who would message him was at work with him and could just call to him from across the room.

The message read: ‘Bet you’re looking good today darling,’ Simon groaned, he pressed his hand down against his hair, the guilt sunk down into his stomach. He knew he shouldn’t be feeling guilty but he couldn’t help it, it was hardwired into his brain. It was just one of those things that he had to untangle himself from.

‘You’re going to be disappointed’, Simon replied. It was almost his lunch break and talking to Nathan always gave a strange kind of heady thrill. At least mostly it left him feeling better than before, which was good considering.

‘Then disappoint me lover boy, show me that ‘I’m having a crisis because my hero died when he was 23 and I’m going to continue to have this crisis until I’m 24’ dress of yours then.’

Simon chewed on the inside of his mouth as he stared at the words on the screen. It was funny and it wasn’t at the same time, it was true and it wasn’t at the same time. He was kind of dumbstruck, it was just another absurd statement, another shot in the dark that had hit home in a way that Simon didn’t want to analyze.

But he did anyway.

He wasn’t Ian Curtis, he didn’t have epilepsy, he wasn’t in a bad place with his relationships, he wasn’t cheating on anyone and he wasn’t going to kill himself. Even if he had spent a large amount of his youth thinking about it he wasn’t going to actually do it. He was in a better place now. He had friends now, he had things to live for, he had Nathan if only just.

‘You know I’m at work, I’m not going to take photos at work,’ Simon typed, ignoring Nathan’s statement entirely.

‘Just nip into the toilets and take one in the cubicle, be daring, take chances, it’ll help boost that shrivelled nut sack of self confidence you have,’ Nathan urged in his reply. Simon could just hear him saying it, Nathan’s Irish lilt seductive in his ear. It was a welcome return to more familiar ground.

‘You’re just trying to get what you want,’ Simon replied, smiling as he typed the words out.

‘Cute and smart, you’re a real catch Barry,’ Nathan chose to ply Simon with compliments instead of addressing his statement. Simon couldn’t stifle the small chuckle that fell out of his mouth as he read the words.

‘Most people choose cute nicknames you know?’ Simon returned. He didn’t exactly want a cute nickname either, he just wanted to be called by his actual name.

‘I’m not most people,’ came Nathan’s reply, Simon couldn’t help but roll his eyes. He was still smiling down at his phone though.

“You gonna get something to eat mate or what?” Rudy asked, smacking Simon on the shoulder as he leaned over him, clearly trying to get a look at Simon’s phone. “Oh, talking to the mister eh?” He said, smiling wide as he stared down at Simon.

“What?” Simon asked, confused, brows pinched as he stared up at Rudy.

“Well, he ain’t your missus so he’s your mister,” Rudy explained his sideways logic, Simon still didn’t get it.

“I don’t even,” Simon began but dropped because it didn’t matter and it wouldn’t go anywhere anyways. “Let’s get lunch,” he said instead, he put his phone away, saved his work and locked his computer.

They grabbed lunch at a decently healthy place around the corner. Rudy tried to needle him for details about his and Nathan’s relationship, but Simon didn’t budge, although he kind of enjoyed the attention.

* * *

It’d been more than a month since Simon had been in the gay bar he’d entered on his birthday. The place had taken on a kind of spirituality in his mind, somewhere where he’d found himself in a way or at least reclaimed a part of himself that had been lost for a long time. It wasn’t exactly the sight of a metamorphosis, but something had definitely changed that night.

Nathan had asked Simon to walk him to the bar. It was something that Rudy loudly considered ‘boyfriend duty’, though Simon didn’t think anything of it, he just wanted to spend more time with Nathan. Between Simon working all week and long and Nathan working as many nights as he could, while also altering clothes on the side, they hardly got to see much of each other. Simon was practically chomping at the bit to spend the night with Nathan. He was excited to so him perform again too.

It might have been kind of odd that Simon hadn’t watched Nathan perform since that first night. Simon figured that he probably should have, especially since they were in a proper relationship now, but things just hadn’t worked out, their schedules never seemed to align in the right way. So Simon was really excited to return to the bar where they’d met and watch Nathan perform again.

He wavered in front of his mirror, indecisive about how to dress. He was going to a gay bar with a drag queen so he figured he had to at least try to dress well. Eventually he chose a dark purple button up shirt with a muted pattern of white triangles, black jeans and black shoes. It was just different enough from his usual style of dress for him to still be comfortable while also stepping a toe outside of his comfort-zone. He gave himself one last once over before he left the room.

“Looking good mate,” Rudy called from the kitchen, “definitely getting laid tonight,” he added, smirking as he leaned against the doorway, revealing that he was in nothing more than a pair of sweatpants while he waved a spatula around.

Simon wasn’t about to have the same conversation about kitchen safety as they’d had a hundred times already, so he simply shook his head at Rudy.

“I’ll see you later,” Simon said, ignoring both of Rudy’s statements, smiling as he left the flat and closed the door behind him.

* * *

Simon kind of felt empty handed as he knocked on Nathan’s door. He knew that it’d be strange to turn up with chocolate or flowers or wine, even if Nathan would probably appreciate the chocolate and wine, it was clichéd and probably only happened on television or in the kind of relationship that this wasn’t. A more appropriate present probably would have been stronger alcohol or porn, Nathan would definitely appreciate porn. Simon wasn’t comfortable buying porn for someone though. He pressed his hair down against his head as he waited for Nathan to answer the door.

“Hey,” Nathan drew out as he stepped out of the door, duffle bag slung over his shoulder, “nice clothes, they’re gonna look great on my floor later,” he added as he looked Simon up and down, Simon rolled his eyes to hide his bashfulness.

“Hello Nathan,” Simon replied, smiling softly.

“I mean it, you look good,” Nathan said, closing the door behind him without looking, still leering at Simon.

“You always say that,” Simon said, feeling a little uncomfortable with the amount of attention Nathan was giving him.

“Because I always mean it,” Nathan assured and winked.

People had called him good looking before, Nathan had already called him good looking several times that week in a thousand different ways, but he was pretty sure that he’d never get used it. Simon turned away and started down the corridor to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks.

They chatted idly as they made their way over to the bar. It was getting into December and the chill was moving in, but the light in Nathan’s eyes warmed Simon down to the bones. Simon offered to carry the duffle bag, but Nathan had replied by saying that he had to retain some masculinity somehow.

Nathan dragged him through the bar, it was still early and there was hardly anyone there, and to the back where Simon remembered the dressing room was. Simon swallowed. The last time he was there it was empty, now it would be full of drag queens. Simon wasn’t sure that he could handle so many, he could hardly handle one of them, if that.

When Nathan opened the door to the back room noise erupted from within. The room was almost exactly as Simon remembered it, but it was also completely different. It was in a state of complete chaos. It looked as though a hurricane had torn through the room. There were people in varying states of dress vying for a spot at each mirror, bags rammed into every space possible and the idle but loud chatter of a bunch of gossiping queens crackled across the room. Simon was instantly overwhelmed. He’d never been good at meeting people.

Pushing Simon in front of him, Nathan put his hands on Simon’s shoulders and quickly commanded the attention of the entire room.

“Hello ladies, this is my man Simon, be gentle with him as he’s a bit of the bambi type,” Nathan announced, Simon could see him smiling from the corner of his eye, no matter what the situation Nathan loved being in the centre of it. There were a few whistles and high pitched woos which made Simon blush.

He wanted to turn around and protest, but since there were so many people there and all of them were staring at him, Simon felt put on the spot. All eyes were on him and Simon hated it.

“Uh, hi,” Simon stammered out, offering the room a small wave. He wanted to eat his hands. He wanted the floor to open up beneath him, at least that way he could leave without any sort of social consequences.

“Oh, how butch,” a queen cooed from their perch at one of the mirrors.

“I think I’ll wait at the bar,” Simon said, gesturing to the door as he turned back to Nathan, trying to make the room smaller by narrowing his vision. It wasn’t that crowds made him panic and he definitely wasn’t claustrophobic, he just never liked being the centre of attention, it always made him feel as though something bad was about to happen. He knew it was just the anxiety, but that didn’t make it easier to deal with.

“Alright, there’s no room in here anyway, and I don’t have enough room or time to keep you entertained let alone properly perform my glorious transformation without getting elbowed in gut by one of these preening bitches,” Nathan rattled on, spinning around so that their positions were switched.

Simon could only feel the pounding of his heart as he watched Nathan dump his duffle bag onto a free chair. He wanted to leave, but he felt like he needed permission to. He’d come so far and yet he still had so far to go. Nathan came back to him, slender fingers beneath his chin, tipping his head up. He wasn’t surprised when Nathan kissed him, but he was surprised by the tenderness of it.

“I’ll see ya out there,” Nathan said, he spun Simon around to the door with his hands on the other’s shoulders again, smacked Simon’s ass and watched him go.

Once out in the cold and blindingly lit hallway, Simon instantly relaxed, he pressed his head against the cool concrete wall and laughed at himself. He’d been silly. He probably should have introduced himself or properly said hello. It wasn’t a completely disaster though, Simon figured that at worst he came off as either callously indifferent or painfully shy, which weren’t the worst things he’d ever been accused of being.

At least Nathan had given him a way out. It would be difficult to tell whether Nathan had noticed just how much Simon was freaking out or was simply playing the boyfriend role, either way Simon appreciated it. Someone had his back. A lot of people had his back, but it was nice to be reminded, to be shown that people cared for him.

He pushed himself off the wall and made his to the bar. Simon got himself a cider and stood by another wall, he wasn’t about to talk to strangers after just leaving a room full of other strangers he could have talked to. He checked his phone while he waited, scrolling through twitter and hoping that time would move faster.

Once the lights changed and the first performer came onto the stage, Simon put his phone away and paid the performer full attention. It was the least he could do after getting in for free and not introducing himself. Eventually, it was Nathan’s turn to take the stage.

“Please welcome to the stage the delectably dirty Miss Cherri Cream Pie!” The announcer trilled into the microphone as music began to play.

Nathan slipped out from between the curtains, pink plastic rifle in hand, gyrating as he lip-synced to the music. He was wearing a similar set of vaguely dominatrix gear as the first time Simon had seen him perform. This time he was wearing a pastel pink balaclava with a blonde ponytail coming out of the top. His eye and lip make-up was exaggerated, so you could see it underneath/through the balaclava. Simon figured that he’d dressed for the song. 

_Live fast, die young,_  
Bad girls do it well.  
Live fast, die young,  
Bad girls do it well.

Simon knew this song. He wasn’t a huge fan of MIA, but she was the right kind of indie that made her music appealing to him. He knew it sounded pretentious but that was just his music taste. Simon liked to like things that other people didn’t. He bobbed his head along to the music and sipped at his cider.

Their eyes met rarely throughout the number, Nathan spent the majority of it working the crowd, plying notes out of people’s hands. For someone who never seemed to say anything serious, Nathan was strangely professional on stage. It fit Nathan’s personality perfectly. His attention addiction was satisfied and he worked to keep the high going for as long as possible.

Then something happened. The song was beginning to wind down and Nathan was sliding into his final position. Down on the floor, on one knee with the fake rifle between his legs in a vague reminder of what he was hiding in his underwear. He hit his pose on the beat, made direct eye contact with Simon and licked the length of the barrel of the gun, tongue flat against the pink plastic.

Simon lost himself in the moment and almost dropped his drink. It felt almost as though they were the only ones in the room, that Nathan was performing solely for him, as though this were a private show. Simon had already received plenty of private shows from Nathan, but this was different. They were seeing each other, not performing for each other. He could feel his heart thrumming in his throat. His mouth was dry and his palms were sweaty.

Just as swiftly as the moment had come, it was over and the stage was empty. Simon struggled to catch his breath as he sipped slowly at his drink.

When Nathan came back out in his boy clothes, this time on the floor with the customers, he had his duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Simon furrowed his brows as he watched Nathan search the room for him. He strode straight over to Simon and kissed him harshly, breathing hotly into Simon’s mouth, making Simon’s knees weak as he struggled to keep up.

“Let’s get out of here,” Nathan muttered against Simon’s lips.

* * *

They barely made it to the bedroom. Tearing at each other as they staggered through the hall, jackets already discarded somewhere along the way, shoes kicked off by the door. Nathan dragged him to the bedroom and pressed him hard against the bedroom door. Simon felt around for the handle as Nathan continued to kiss him within an inch of his life, it took him a moment, but he finally found it and they stumbled backward into the room.

Their legs caught as they fumbled their way toward the bed, lips still attached, hands clambering all over each other. Nathan only stepped away for a moment to pull his shirt over his head. Simon was eager to touch Nathan’s exposed skin, to press his mouth to it and hold Nathan against him. Hands and mouth, Simon pulled Nathan toward him and toward the bed, falling upon it with Nathan atop him.

Straddling Simon, Nathan leaned back as Simon held him with his hands wrapped around Nathan’s sides, allowing Simon better access to Nathan’s torso. Simon mouthed at his lightly tanned skin, making Nathan keen as Simon nipped at him. He pushed Simon back. With his hands on Simon’s shoulders, he loomed over the other. His fingers slid over the buttons of Simon shirt, pulling it free from his body and throwing it to the floor.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Simon was surprised that he wasn’t freaking out about this. It was a strange reflection of the night they’d met, watching each other across the room, standing in different positions that just exemplified their personal differences. Only Nathan wasn’t completely drunk and Simon wasn’t making himself emotionally distant if not physically distant. It was just another reminder that things had changed, of how far they’d come.

Then Nathan hands found Simon’s fly.

Simon grasped Nathan’s wrists in one hand and tore his mouth away, but Nathan was persistent, kissing down Simon’s neck when he couldn’t reach his mouth. He pushed Nathan back with a hand on Nathan’s chest. Heart fluttering under his palm, it was enticing but Simon needed a moment to think and he couldn’t do that while Nathan was touching him. Their breathing was cacophonous in the quiet room, chests heaving between them.

For a moment, Simon was a little confused and he wasn’t sure why he’d freaked out. He hadn’t had any kind of sexual interaction with anyone, besides making out with Nathan, in months.

Nathan was taking control and Simon needed some of his own.

“Just slow down a sec,” Simon murmured, trying to catch his breath as he held Nathan at bay.

“Slow down? I’ve been waiting for this for so long already and you want me to slow down?” Nathan whined, brows curling upward as he stared at Simon, silently pinning.

Simon thought about leaving Nathan to stir for a while, but he was still painfully hard and probably feeling just the same as Nathan.

“Let’s switch positions,” Simon said after a moment of deliberation, his veins were thrumming, adrenaline shooting through him at the heady rush of taking charge.

“Oh, okay,” Nathan replied, smirking as he slid off of Simon’s lap and flopped down onto the bed beside him.

Simon couldn’t help but chuckle as he rose from the bed. The sudden shift in positions instantly made Simon feel better, he probably should think about why that was or work to feel safe enough to not let it bother him, but that wasn’t going to happen that night. Instead, he undid his flies. He took off his jeans and underwear together, watching Nathan watch him as he slid the material down his legs.

Now naked, Simon put one knee on the bed and gripped the hem of Nathan’s loose jeans and boxers. He pulled them clean off of Nathan’s body and threw them to the floor. The only light was the soft tones coming from the hallway and it lit Nathan like he was in a lingerie ad, all soft focus and blurred edges. Simon roved his eyes over Nathan’s body, despite the tacky tattoos, Nathan looked delicate and Simon wanted to explore every inch of him.

“Now pounce on me you sexually repressed jaguar,” Nathan demanded, biting his lip as he stared up at Simon.

Simon climbed atop the bed, crawling over Nathan to capture his lips again. Their bodies rolled together, erections rubbing against each other, Simon could hear his pulse drumming in his ear. He moved his mouth from Nathan’s lips and explored the expanse of Nathan’s neck while his fingers gripped at his flesh. Nathan made a show of licking his palm, slipped his hand between them and wrapped his long fingers loosely around their straining erections.

“I don’t know what to do next,” Simon said, swallowing as he stared down at Nathan.

“Oh, yeah, you’re a gayby,” Nathan cooed and kissed Simon on the cheek before pulling his hand away.

“I’m a what?” Simon muttered, brows pinched as he breathed hotly between them.

Nathan didn’t elaborate, instead he reached toward the bedside table and rummaged around in the top draw until he pulled out a small bottle of lube and an entire pack of condoms. He wriggled out from under Simon and positioned himself against the pillows. Legs spread as he beckoned Simon, fingers curling as he stared hungrily at the other.

Simon could only stare for a moment before his mind caught up with him and he began to crawl up the bed, stopping between Nathan’s legs. He spread a hand over Nathan’s lean thigh. A flicker of light caught his eye, Simon raised his gaze to find Nathan tearing the condom wrapper open with his teeth. Nathan flicked the condom at him and Simon struggled to catch it. The raucous laughter that followed did a little to quell Simon’s nerves.

Almost crumbling under the pressure, Simon took the condom and unrolled it along the length of his erection, sighing at the touch. Reaching between them, Nathan took Simon’s hand.

“You’ve at least watched gay porn right, you know what I want you to do?” Nathan asked as he coated Simon’s fingers in the cool lubricant.

“Yeah,” Simon murmured. He wanted to take control, but just as with his confidence, he needed to learn how to do that. No one was ever an expert at something the first time they tried it.

Nathan leaned back and waited for Simon to get going. Simon swallowed thickly, rubbed his fingers together and moved slowly to press the tips of his fingers against Nathan. Hand wrapped around Nathan’s thigh, he took the other’s advice and followed what he’d seen in porn. He slowly pushed a finger inside Nathan. It was incredibly warm and strange in the way that Nathan pulsed around him, it was unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

The breathy and strained noises that came from Nathan were only fuel to the fire and as Simon went on his confidence grew. He curled his fingers inside Nathan and watched as Nathan’s head dropped back against the pillow, hissing as his eyes closed, Simon couldn’t help but think about how he was the one causing that reaction in Nathan’s body. He was the one causing Nathan’s pleasure.

“Oh my go-get inside me already,” Nathan whined, legs shaking as he pawed at Simon, fingers digging into the flesh of the other’s arms.

Simon laughed, straight from the chest as he pulled his fingers out of Nathan. He plucked up the bottle of lube from the bed and spread some more along the length of his penis. Re-positioning himself between Nathan’s legs, Simon guided himself into Nathan, hands spread over Nathan’s torso as held himself over the other.

The start was slow and Simon was tentative, but he quickly found his footing, spurred on by Nathan’s purring in his ear. Coiled around him, Nathan urged him forward and Simon finally took full control of the reigns.

Fingers caught in the tight curls of Nathan’s hair, he pulled Nathan’s head softly toward him, holding the other close to him as he continued to thrust into Nathan’s thin frame. He felt almost fragile in Simon’s hands. Nathan was all bones and sinew, he felt like twigs and meat beneath Simon’s palm, angular and pulsing with life. Simon had never felt so alive.

The way Nathan keened and whined as he writhed beneath Simon was mesmerising. He was captivated. It was driving him up the wall and pushing him to do things he’d never done before during sex. Hand pressed to the back of Nathan’s thigh, bending the other over double, diving into Nathan’s body as deep as he could go. The noises only got louder as Nathan shook beneath him.

He wrapped his fingers around Nathan’s straining and leaking cock. Nathan keened into his mouth, heels digging into the small of Simon’s back, pulling him in.

“Don’t you dare stop,” Nathan forced out, hands gripping at Simon’s bicep and the sheets beneath him.

Neither of them lasted much longer, too caught up in the breaking of tensions and the sharp high of finally doing this. It was a relief. It was such a rush of relief that Simon almost wondered just what the hell he’d been worrying about. Almost. Then he was coming and every single thought that he was having fled straight out of his mind, followed by the gaping nothingness of oblivion and h embraced it.

Simon pulled out of Nathan and rolled onto his back, sinking into the sheets as he stared up at the ceiling. All the things he’d been feeling, all the things that had been swept away, came flooding right back. Suddenly Simon felt scared, vulnerable, brave and high at the same time. He pulled off the condom and tied off the end.

“I knew you had it in ya,” Nathan said, laughing breathlessly as he patted Simon’s chest, turned on his side toward the other. “I’ll take that,” he said as he clambered off the bed and took the condom from Simon’s fingers.

Simon watched as Nathan staggered out of the room. The dim light was kind to the haphazardly cluttered room, he chose to think about that rather than let himself worry about whether this was the right thing to do or not. He wasn’t going to run himself in circles after something that had made him feel so good.

Eventually, Simon got off the bed and gathered his clothes. No matter how good he felt he was never comfortable being naked for long. That was probably just another confidence issue, another thing he had to work on, but Simon figured he’d worked on his confidence enough for one night.

He pulled on his boxers, folded the rest of his clothes and set them down beside the bed. Just as he was lying back down, Nathan came back into the room, smiling smugly at Simon as he clambered over him.

“If that’s how your first time goes, I wonder how you’ll be with a little practice,” Nathan muttered as he mouthed against the flesh of Simon’s neck.

“It wasn’t exactly my first time,” Simon replied, unable to hold back his smile as Nathan jerkily pulled the sheets over them.

“Either way, I can’t wait for the repeat performance,” Nathan said, licking his lips. He draped himself over Simon and made himself comfortable, face pressed into the crook of Simon’s neck.

It wasn’t exactly like a plane climbing in altitude and experiencing turbulence along the way, instead it was more like rebuilding a house after a fire. It was difficult, tiring, and costly and you might only end up back where you started, before the fire, but it’s an opportunity to do things better than the last time. It was an opportunity to make changes that would improve his life, if only he were brave enough to make them.

_I could live a little in a wider line,_  
_When the change is gone,_  
_when the urge is gone,_  
_To lose control._  
_When here we come._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this might seem like an abrupt ending, but for me personally as the writer I feel that its run its coarse and I didn't want to give you guys some medicore chapters after this when I'm more focused on something else. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this while I'm not completely happy with it I did enjoy writing it. Thanks so much for the kudos and the comments. See ya on the next one ~x


End file.
